Tuesday, July 31, 2007

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what has been going on lateley

well we are officially 30 days late on our mortgage and we have 100 bucks in the bank and i will be lucky if that makes us through the week with jason having to drive 30 minutes to and from work. jason is gonna call our mortgage now that we are officially 30 days late and see if they can help us. god i hope they can. i hope they give us a 2 month grace period. if they do that then we can catch up on everything and save enough money for the following month's mortgage. i am so stressed out it is insane.

last friday i went to work and had to call 911 for imogene because all week she has been really really weak and it was getting worse and worse. i kept trying to get her to go in but she kept saying NO. sooo friday was the last straw. i got there after going to gleaners for her and she was in the hallway trying to make it to the bathroom and was leaning against the wall and barely hanging on to the railing. so i practically had to carry her to the bathroom. once i got her there i called her neighbor and she informed that she called 911 the night before and imogene refused to go to the hossy. so i got off of the phone with her and told imogene that i was calling 911 and that she had to go in for chi chi (her dog) and that if she died who would take care of her? i was bawling at this point because i was so scared that she was going to die. so she agreed to go and me and the two ambulance ppl helped her out of the door and onto the gerny (sp?).

so i grabbed her meds and went to the hossy. turns out she had pneumonia and her potassium was really really low. she is still at the hossy and i have no job till she gets out. i go and visit her everyday. this totally sucks because we are sooo broke and so hurting for money that i can't afford this time off while she is in there and IT SUCKS because i love her so much and don't want her to die. i don't know what to do at this point. should i go and find another client? because i don't know when she is going to die? uggh i don't want to find someone else. i love her so much.

so much has happened this last year and i am sooo ready for things to turn around and get better.

i spent the weekend with my sis and it was so nice to be there. we laughed and cried and just sat and talked and worked on the baby's memorial web page. i slept with her and we cuddled LOL i wub my sis so much. i'm so tired and sad of all this stress and sadness. i wish my sis was still pregnant with my nephew. i so wanted to be able to love on him and snuggle him and kiss him. i still find myself thinking of things to by for him and my sis. drives me nuts and makes me so sad when i think of that.

OMG lmao i almost caught both of our vans on fire LOL on sunday when it was time for me to go home we both got in our vans because she needed to go to the store and get some money back to give me for gas because of how broke i am. sooo we go out and her battery is dead. at first i didn't want to try and jump the van LOL but soon realized that wasn't gonna fly because she still needed to get to the store for diapers and wipes, sooo i think, okay i can do this LMAO and hook the cables up and i THINK i have them on right LMAO when i hooked the negative on to heathers van it SPARKED so we jumped and stepped back LMAO so then i say OKAY LETS TRY THIS AGAIN, so i did get it on there with minimal sparks lol. so then i start my van up and heather says THE CABLES ARE SMOKING LMAO, so i shut the van off and pull the cables off and think that will stop the smoking........NOPE they kept smokin LMAO so heather grabbed hers off and OMG the wires were melting on the cables and it almost melted through her very important cables on her van LOL. sooo we go to her neighbors house and he comes and tests the cables and they are still okay so he connects them up the RIGHT WAY and we get her van started and then he checks her battery date and it was 5 yrs old so off to the battery store we went. well the stupid jerks there said they wouldn't put the battery in for us. so we left the van there and walked to walgreens and came back and tried to start her van. well it wouldn't start, battery dead again. so i go in and let them know we needed a jump. so the guy comes out and tries to jump it with this battery thing and the clamps wouldn't clamp on to her battery cuz its a side mounted battery. so he goes in and then NEVER comes back out, we were waiting and waiting and the hot ass heat which felt like forever, right about the time that i was gonna go back in there, a guy came out and got in his jeep and then backed it up to the van and gave us a jump. i thought that was so sweet. so then off my sis went and off i went. i so didn't want to go though. i wished i coulda stayed with her because neils was gone and she was cramping and bleeding and just plain old sad.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

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a song that my mom used to sing us kids when we were little

she learned it when she was little at camp. she has no idea who wrote it, but i absolutely love it


I know a place, where no one ever goes.
There is peace and quiet, beauty and repose.
It's hidden in a valley beside a mountain stream,
and lying there beside the stream, i find that i can dream,
only of things of beauty to the eye,
snow peaked mountains towering to the sky.
now i know that god has made this world for me.

One can imagine himself as in a dream,
climbing up a mountain or down a small ravine.
The beauty of this peace and quiet always shall stay,
to make this place a haven for each and every day.
ohh how i wish i never had to leave,
and all my life such beauty to receive.
now i know that god has made this world for me.

i keep singing this and it makes me feel better

Monday, July 23, 2007

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a dream i had on 7-16-07

i went to bed around my normal time, which was about 9pm or so. zonked out pretty fast and was sleeping really good until i woke up from this dream crying, wondering what i had done wrong to cause this.

my dream was about my baby watermelon. it was finally ready to be picked and my family all wanted to eat it with us, so i invited them all over for a bbq and watermelon. so i picked it and we cut into it and my heart sank because it was all black and dead inside and i was so confused. i didn't understand what i did to kill it. i took such good care of it and gave it love everyday, pulled weeds, made sure it had water, and it was dead. i started crying in my dream and kept asking my mom what i did wrong. she kept saying that i didn't do anything wrong that sometimes these things happen but that didn't make me feel any better and i just kept crying and crying till i woke myself up from crying so hard. when i looked at the clock it was 3:30 in the morning and i couldn't go back to sleep. that dream just would not leave me and every time i thought of the possibility of my watermelon being dead i would get all teary because of how hard i have worked to make sure that it is okay.

so at 4 am i got up because i just couldn't get back to sleep. so i played on the net and as soon as the sun came up i went out to my garden and picked my watermelon up and kept asking myself, are you dead inside? no you aren't, you can't be. yes one might ask why a person would care so deeply about a stupid watermelon LOL but i do, because i have worked so hard to keep all of my vegitables and fruits alive and my watermelon was cute when it was first growing.

anyway i came back in and played on the net some more till 7 am and then called my mom and told her about my dream. then my sis and i were iming each other talking about her doc appt and other stuff and that she was nervous about going. i reassured her that everything was gonna be fine. BOY WAS I WRONG....................I KNEW as soon as she called me bawling, telling me that the baby had died, that that was what my dream was about. my watermelon was her baby and all the things i felt about my watermelon and the questions i had was the way she was feeling at a much more intense degree.

we were both crying and then her cell cut out. she called me right back at schelley's house cuz she had to pick up the boys and then asked me to call bonniemom, jerrydad, lyledad and suesue. she was sooo sad and heartbroken that there was no way she could call them.
so i sadly made those phonecalls, and it was sooo hard to do. i couldn't do it without crying.

i hate my dream that i had. my mom instantly knew what my dream was about and what it represented.


Thursday, July 19, 2007

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my heart aches

i wrote this poem today in memory of my sweet baby niece or nephew.

My Heart Aches

My heart aches to hold you dear,
to kiss your little face and nibble your ear.

To smell your sweet baby scent,
to hear your sweet cries, your first giggle and your first smile.

I love you so much and it breaks my heart that I will never
be able to meet you and hold you,
and to be the auntie that I wanted to be for you.

I am gonna miss getting that burp out when noone else can,
and changing those poopy diapers just because I can.

I will miss the baby turrets that I get, and the pit in my tummy,
and me wanting to just SQUEEZE you till I heard that cute little grunt.

I dreamed of the day that I would see you be born.

I dreamed of the laughter and the joy that you would bring to this world.

I dreamed of watching you grow older and of cousin dyllan and Ashley playing with you.

I dreamed of what you would look like.

Would you have your momma’s eyes, your daddy’s ears? Ethan’s lips? Kaiden’s smile?

I dreamed of all these things and I still do,
I love you so much my sweetie, cutie pie.

Love you with all of my heart,
your bestest auntie

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

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i am sooo sad

my sister miscarried and i feel so lost. i know there isn't much i can do except be there for her and cry with her and hold her and just listen. i love my sister sooo much and i hate that she (we) are going through this. i can't imagine what she is feeling because i am sure she is feeling much worse then i am. i know its silly to say but i feel like i lost a baby too. i am devastated and there isn't a damned thing i can do about it. i can't believe this is happening, it feels like a dream and that we will wake up from it soon. this is my sister, my baby sister. i took care of her when she was a baby and took her in when she was 16. I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH and i hate this. i can't believe it. THIS SUCKS AND I AM SOOO MAD. she shouldn't have to go through this, NONE OF US SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS. she kept saying over and over, i have a dead baby inside of me, a perfect dead baby. we cried and cried yesterday.

when sue and i first got there we all cried and hugged and then we just talked with little cries. then neils had to go get her cytotech (sp? to soften her cervix) and while he was gone i just started bawling and telling her that i loved her and she just let loose, i held her for a long time and we both just cried and she cried so hard and was talking about everything she was feeling inside. I HATE THIS, why did this happen? what caused it to happen? what was the sex? i have a perfect dead baby inside me. she was saying all the things that i was thinking but wasn't saying because i don't want to say the wrong things. I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH, MY BABY SISTER, THIS IS HAPPENING TO MY BABY SISTER!!!!!!!

neils is being strong but he is sooo heartbroken as well. i gave him a hug and just held him and he started crying. i know he is holding it in to be strong for heather.

i hate what has to happen today. she is sooo scared that she is gonna start expelling the baby before the D&C. she doesn't want to see her baby in the toilet. she is sooo scared that that is what is going to happen. god, i hope that she doesn't see that. please just keep him in there until 6pm tonight. I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK.

i feel so lost right now................... i wish i lived in the same town as she does. i wish this never happened.............why did this happen?....................what was wrong? I AM SOOOO PISSED OFF!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

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here are tons of pics that i took of my garden this morning. i can't believe how big it has gotten and i haven't used miracle gro in over a month. so far i have been able to pick zucchini, crookneck squash, tons of peas, hot peppers, green beans and some tomatoes. my watermelon should be ready pretty soon because it is getting huge. anyway i used picassa to post the pics and i can only post four pics at a time when i use that so that is why there are numerous posts LOL. OHH and i posted pics of my lovely bees that keep my garden growing and happy.

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7 random facts about me

1) well i am the most impatient person that i know LOL. i hate waiting, that includes waiting on docs, waiting for time to pass, waiting for ppl to show up, WAITING IN GENERAL. you know the saying that mom's are supposed to be patient? well somehow i was NOT included in that one LOL because i have ZERO patience and especially when it comes to waiting.

2) like jane, i am an animal lover, and if i was rich i would have a TONS of property and a huge staff and adopt all the abused animals in the world. yah sure they would get on my nerves BUT i still would love them to death LOL.

3) I LOVE BABIES, not a huge fan of kids LOL i know i know that makes no sense LOL. see babies are soo easy compared to older kids that can talk back and throw fits and push and test you to your last nerve. when i had dyllan i LOVED being pregnant and i loved having a tiny baby to cuddle (okay he wasn't so tiny LOL 8lbs 11oz's and 21 3/4 inches long lol) so much that i actually thought about being a surrogate LOL. i knew that i didn't have enough patience to deal with a lot of kids but i loved being pregnant I MEAN I LOVED IT, i cherished every ache, every pain, every move, every flutter.

4) i can say that i am a very strong person who has been through a lot with life in general, especially as a kid growing up with drug addicts. i made it through and because of all those experiences i have a strong will and personality. of course the downside to that is i come off a bit strong sometimes and sometimes ppl get taken aback with me. ohh well i am who i am LOL.

5)OHH lets see........a huge fault that i have is that i CUSS lol. yes i know, bad bad bad. i have tried stopping and believe me i have reduced my foul mouth down quite a bit, and maybe when i am in my 60's i will not cuss anymore LOL. so there ya have it. if i am mad or frustrated or sad then i cuss LOL ohh well i am who i am and if you don't like it then bug off.

6) let's see, i am sensitive and i do get my feelings hurt and somewhat easily LMAO not sure if others know that about me or not, since i always seem so strong and independant. when i am hurt i will do one of two things, i will either go have a good cry, or i get really pissed off at whoever hurt me and let them have it. (the second part is not a good idea because then i say things that i don't mean, so i usually just try to cry it out and then talk to that person calmly and rationally about what they did to hurt me etc etc)

7) ohh i am very honest, sometimes a little to honest and i don't think before i speak. my hubby once told me that i use my honesty like a blunt instrament. so needless to say that ever since he said that to me i always TRY to watch what i say and to choose my words carefully. i also think that every one has choices in life and i can't stand the blame game. ohh i am this way because of my parents or yada yada yada, you know what i mean right? life is full of choices and you do with it what you will.

okay so there ya have it LOL that is me in a nutshell LOL

I tag, jill, heather, sandra, lisa (liway), mel, sue and shellye

Thursday, July 12, 2007

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JASON HAS A NEW JOB. yup he sure does LOL. Berg electric is hiring him and his schooling will be through WECA and will be paid for by Berg electric. the only thing we have to cover is books, and my momma said she would cover that. He interviewed today with Mark (the main guy for Berg electric) and took a math test and only missed ONE on it and then took a pee test (which of course he will pass) and next wednesday has a second interview (more of a formality then anything) and then i think he starts work next thursday or friday. OHH OHH OHH this job has FULL FAMILY MEDICAL BENEFITS we have NEVER EVER HAD THAT BEFORE i am sooo happy especially with my back and joints being what they are. ohh and we will have a pension starting, I AM SOOO STOKED. the medical stuff starts 30 DAYS from when he is hired, WAHOOOOO BABY I AM SOOO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. i love my man SOOO MUCH, HE IS DA BOMB I TELL YOU.

of course we are still screwed with our mortgage because by the time he gets a pay check we will have gone THREE WEEKS with out pay. yes i have my work checks but i only make 650 a month. BUT i am not going to stress (who am i kidding) and everything will work out. THEY HAVE TO. i know that HUD will help us but we have to be in trouble with mortgage first to get the help, since i will not be able to make the payment this month then i guess that qualifies AS TROUBLE LMAO.

sooo there is the update, not sure what HUD will do to help us because our mortgage lady wouldn't give us any information about that since we aren't officially in trouble yet.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

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yup it does, yes i hate bitching, but here i am. i am gonna do just that BITCH (sorry for the language)

okay life has been going down hill ever since ashley got sick. when she got sick we were obviously dealing with her illness we ended up paying the mortgage late and had a late fee on it. OOPSIE. so of course life continues with the struggles and jason's BOSS didn't turn in jason's time sheet to the accountant ppl so we went almost a week with out his check. MIND YOU we live paycheck to paycheck sooo we still needed gas, food etc. sooo we went negative and accrued overdraft charges and set us back 220 bucks. GREAT now how the hell are we gonna catch up. sooo because of that i had to wait for another weeks pay before i could pay the mortgage and of course it was late and we get another late fee. WAHOOOO BOY IS THIS FUN. sooo mind you we are still behind, couldn't pay all of my pge bill and end up with a 48 hour notice, sooo i get help to pay that and think OKAY now i can catch up since i am not having to pay that RIGHT? WRONG, jason didn't work at all last week or this week GREAT NOW HOW THE F*** AM I GONNA PAY THE MORTGAGE? we have 39 dollars in the bank, my mortgage is due and we won't be getting a check for jason this week or next week. OHH YAH WHAT FUN!!! so now jason applied for unemployment of course that takes a while. we NEED food desperately and i will be going to the food banks to get food. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS i feel like a BUMB having to do this shit.

OUR MORTGAGE is due NOW and if we don't pay by the 16th then we have yet ANOTHER late fee attached to it. sooo jason is calling them and then he is calling HUD to see if there is help for us there.

he does have an interview tomorrow in sacramento (how are we gonna pay for the gas?) to get a prevailing wage job. I HOPE AND PRAY THAT HE GETS IT. we are sinking and we are sinkin FAST. my water bill is due and has been due for the last two months but we haven't been able to pay it, wouldn't surprise me if i get a disconnect notice SOON.

ohh well i guess i have my garden to keep us overflowing with tomatoes, peppers and squash LMAO