Tuesday, November 04, 2008

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grief

is such a weird thing. you never know how you are going to feel until someone you love dies.

For instance, i truly thought that if my mom died that i wouldn't feel much because of everything that we went through together growing up. As most of you know she was bipolar and because of not realizing it or not seeking help or what have you, she became an alcoholic and drug addict. I went through many things with her, some of which included abuse when she was high, being homeless in a car for 6 months when i was in highschool, her living in bars while i took care of my youngest brother etc etc. Needless to say i had a TON of resentments towards her and anger, lots and lots of anger. But in her last years, especially her last year, she changed. she quit drinking (she had quit drugs about 12 years before) and she found god and tried her best to make amends to me.
We talked quite a bit on yahoo messenger, and almost every morning she would say "good morning sweetie, i hope you have a wonderful day and know that i love you" Now sometimes i wouldn't write back for whatever reasons, just not in the mood to talk on that thing, or just because of whatever mood i was in at the time. I now regret that big time. I wish with all my heart that i had talked to her more.

anyway, my brother was going out to visit her and was leaving on sept 7th early in the morning to catch his plane out there, then he was going to be bringing her back for a visit. My brother and i were very skeptical of this visit because we had been lied to by her so many times. we weren't sure if she had actually quit drinking etc etc, But we were still excited to see her again, and FINALLY meet her grandchildren. The day before my brother was supposed to get on that plane, she had a massive stroke. I was up at mommasue's when my hubby called me telling me my sister called and it was about mom and that something had happened. So i called my sis and she told me, at first i was numb, like it wasn't a big deal and it can't be serious. so then i got home and called my sis again to see if there were any updates, turned out she had a massive aneurism (sp?) type of stroke and that she probably wouldn't make it through the night. A couple hours later it HIT me HARD that she was going to die. I never in my life thought that her death would hit me so hard, but it did. For numerous reasons, I felt so many things, Robbed of a childhood with a good mom, angry that she had done so many stupid things, sad that she lived her life the way she did, Sad that she put us kids through so much crap, SAD that she wouldn't ever meet her grandchildren. i could go on and on. i have to get one thing straight, as messed up as she WAS when i was growing up, I STILL LOVED HER, SHE WAS MY MOM. she was no saint but when she was sober she was an awesome mom, very loving, huge heart, sang us songs, all the stuff a normal mom would do. She just wasn't sober all that often, she tried so many times to stop using and drinking and it would last a while and then she would break and go back to it. So just because she was an addict/alcoholic DOESN'T mean she wasn't a good person deep down, because she WAS.

I LOVED HER VERY MUCH.

so i guess my point to all this is that just because i went through hell and back with her doesn't mean that i didn't love her, nor does it mean that losing her isn't going to affect me, because losing her affected me more then i ever thought it would. She wasn't all bad, deep down she was the most loving person i knew when she was sober. i cherish those GOOD times now, more then i ever have. doesn't mean i don't think of the bad times because i do, but i would much rather CHERISH the GOOD times we had together, especially the last year or so that she was with us.

my sister made this beautiful siggy of her and the poem on it is AWESOME, mom was in a lot of pain her last years of life and now she feels no pain and that brings me peace. Also DON'T ever think that you are going to feel or not feel a certain way when someone you love dies, you NEVER know how it's going to affect you till it happens.

thanks for reading :)

here is the siggy my sis made

Photobucket

7 Comments:

Blogger Susan Wright said...

Beautifully written Christina. Very well said. A mother's love is for ever. She had no control over he demons and you are a special person for giving her forgiveness and love despite her many mistakes. She is blessed to have been loved by all her children and her mother and husband.

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You get it. I love you for being so understanding. Very wise words indeed. From a heart who aches not nearly as much for the things you have gone through but for loving someone with 'addictions'. I want to give you a big hug. xo

5:11 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Youa re great wonderful woman Christna. That is so cool that you have been able to forgive her & understand her battles. God bless you!!

11:41 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Wow - what a beautiful post, C! Funny what a little perspective can do, huh? Know that your mom is looking down on you with all the love and pride she may not have been able to show you her whole life.

5:25 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

I am so glad that you wrote what you did the LP boards to lead me here so that I could find encouragement through your pain and blessings too.

You said what I needed to hear today and I thank you for that.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Joyce said...

C..I am in tears!! Everything you wrote was so beautiful. I am glad you have been able to forgive and try to understand how she struggled with things. Big Hugs to you GF!!

6:53 PM  
Blogger SnapWhiz said...

I just read your post on here and wanted to say that I completely understand how you can love someone but not their actions. No matter what she will always be your Mom. Blessings and hugs to you Christina! XO

6:06 PM  

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