WOWSERS

I AM SORE SORE SORE LMAO. i spent all weekend doing yardwork. we have this huge ass grass bush thing LOL i don't know the name of it but it grows really big and the long thin grass like leaves will cut you up if you aren't careful LOL. anyway i am trying to get rid of the darned thing and OMG WHAT A PITA!!!!! i have little cuts all over my arms and legs. i have it 1/4th of the way gone now and am doing a little bit everyday. i should take pics of the stupid thing. why anyone would plant that thing BEATS ME!!!!! also i am slowly getting all of imogenes plants planted in my yard. the hardest part is figuring out where to put it all LOL. i love having her plants because then i feel like i have a part of her with me always.

anyway life is going i guess you could say. imogene is sooo sooo skinny now. it breaks my heart everytime i see her. i was spending 3-4 hours a day with her but this saturday i didn't go see her at all. i just needed a mental break. it's taking so much out of me. yesterday and today i only saw her for 30 minutes. i feel so guilty for not staying longer but i just can't do it anymore. i wasn't getting anything done at my own home and had no energy to do anything even when i was home. so i figure i will see her everyday but only once a day and not twice like i was and i won't stay so long when i do go. i figure about 30 minutes to an hour is plenty. it's so hard though. i just want to stay there with her all the time even though she probably doesn't even know i am there. UGGH!!!! i'm not sure what to do.

i showed her trailer today to the unit charge nurse. she is gonna buy it with everything in it. i need to go over there and pack up what she doesn't want and take it to gleaners but JEEZ i so don't want to do it. ohh well it needs to be done and really it makes me feel good to help imogene's family out like this.

well i gotta go sweep the floors and put away clothes.

well SHIT

pardon my language, but you all know i cus when i am frustrated or sad or pissed off or what have you.

imogene had a stroke yesterday when i was with her. either she had it before i got there or was having it when i was there. it's so sad, i am so sad. this was the last thing that i wanted for her. i was hoping and praying that this wouldn't happen. that she would live the remainder of her days being able to speak and possibly just pass in her sleep. i am sooo sad. i am trying so hard to think positive for her and for me. for me because today has been one month since my nephew got his wings and because well i really just need to be positive to keep my sanity.

i knew she was having a stroke yesterday. she had no use of her right arm and the time that i was there (which was about 1.5 hours) her speach got worse and worse. i just wanted to cry but i didn't. i went and got the nurse because i was concerned and the nurse saw and said what my fears were. she couldn't totally say that imogene had a stroke because she isn't a dr but that was her suspicion.

today when i saw her, her speach was worse. her speach therapist came in and told me to ask yes or no questions. she said that i could ask open ended questions but not to expect much. it hurts so bad to watch someone you love, who has been so strong even though she is old to be reduced to THIS!!!!!!!! i stayed with her for over an hour and i got her to smile a lot but i could tell she was getting so frustrated. at one point she said "pissed off" because she is so mad that she is still alive and had now had a stroke. it broke my heart to see her like this. she can't tell that she is going to the bathroom anymore. the room was stinky so i asked if she had gone to the bathroom and she said no (she is very open about this kind of thing) so i asked if she was sure and she gestured for me to check. so i checked and sure enough she had gone and didn't know it :( i am not sure how long she had been in her own crap but it was very sad for me. so i promptly let the cna's know that she needed to be changed.

all of this just sucks but i am so happy that i am there for her. i love her so much. she is like my gramma (my gramma for the short time that i was around her was not very nice). this really hurts bad but i know i can handle it. i really don't want her to be in any pain or discomfort and i really don't want her to be alone when she passes. i hope that they call me if anything changes

a few lo's and a reading box

this lo is ashley's second trip to the park but her first trip with me. the top pic has another pic underneath (like a little book) and the left hand pic has the same thing LOL

TWO lo's so far in the album i am making about imogene and her flowers and such. the top one is a morning glory, I LOVE MORNING GLORY'S as long as they are no where near my house LOL they are very aggressive. The lo below is jasmine that she has all over her fence. It's not star jasmine, just regular jasmine. I love the smell of star jasmine better.

And ashley's reading box. she gets these little paper books and they all go in this box and she practices them everyday.

where i am

mentally. well i don't know where i am at LOL. i have all of these feelings that kinda get all jumbled together kwim? i feel very sad, pissed off, confused, forced, fake, lonely, confused (oh wait i said that already). really i don't know what i am feeling. i am watching imogene die. i miss my sis, i miss my nephew liam, i am gonna miss imogene. money sucks ass. i am so tired. i miss my life.

okay lets see if i can put some order to this. i think about liam all the time even though i hardly ever bring him up. every tuesday and wednesday is very hard because every week those two days are reminders that i am never gonna meet him. okay i won't meet him for a long long time. what goes through my head? well i try to think of what he would want me to do. would he want me to be happy and enjoy the life that i do have? i would think so. that is what i am trying to do. talking about him or bringing him up hurts so much. that is why i don't. i think of him often though. i think of what his life is like up with auntie shellie and gramma ohme. i think of what he is doing up there. laughing, playing, giggling and looking down on us hoping that some day we will be happy and know and accept that he is in good hands. this is what i think about. it brings a smile to my face and makes me feel stronger. when my sister brings him up i do talk about him and listen even though it hurts so bad. i know that she is at a different stage of grief and well we are grieving differently anyway. for one he was her baby. i miss hearing about my live nephews and seeing pics of them and well i just miss our old life. it makes me so sad and mad that we have all been put through so much this past year.

for instance, i have an appt next week for ashley's itp hemo doc. her disease is always in the back of my head. when ever she gets a bloody nose or i see bruises i freak out on the inside. its always there. never goes away. i hope and pray everyday that she never relapses EVER. the fear of her dying is still very fresh like it was yesterday.

i also am always thinking of kaiden and his poor pancreas. he isn't gaining weight still (not losing, but still not gaining). why isn't he gaining? this can't keep going on. there has got to be a reason or something. i know the reason is his pancreas but is there more? i would think that his enzymes would have helped by now.

i feel fake because i am faking and putting on a front of this positive attitude and that things will get better. i know they will but when? i guess i feel that if i stay positive and smiling and laughing and just talk about the good things in our lives that it will feel better. it does but it doesn't last long kwim? hard to explain i guess.

i hate watching imogene die. it's so hard, harder then you can imagine. she doesn't want me crying, so when i see her i laugh and make her laugh and then i leave feeling so alone. i want her to be happy and i want what she wants. i just hate that she has given up but at the same time i understand. she is 88 yrs old for crying out loud. today's meeting went well, i bawled and felt like a dork but they were very understanding. imogene has told them that i am supposed to know everything so i was put on the list of ppl to notify if she is going to pass. i don't want her to be alone when she goes and i am the closest person to her so i can zip on down there and just be with her when she passes. she is starving to death. i know it's not going to be pretty, but god i hope she feels no pain and that she passes in her sleep or something.

on top of all this i am still dealing with money issues. i need to be looking for another job but i am so wrapped up in being there for imogene and my family that i just haven't had the energy or desire to do so. i've got the paperwork mostly filled out to get help with our mortgage but i have questions and they won't talk to me till they put the damned thing that i faxed to them on file. i want to get this done and over with. i had to spend 308 bucks the day before yesterday to get my tax info, and get homeowners and auto insurance. i am trying to save as much as i can for our septembers mortgage but at this rate i don't know how that is gonna happen. ohh well, it will work out right? i hope so. i need to find another job dammit. i really don't want to though till after imogene passes.

soo there ya have it. i think that pretty much sums up everything going on in my head. no wonder i am tired all the flippin time.

SOME PICTURES

that i wanted to share. this is imogene. isn't she sweet and cute? the dress she is wearing is her favorite dress and it looks so good on her. she is so cute LOL. she didn't want me taking her pics so she hid the gift bag over her face. that didn't stop me from taking pics though LMAO.





here is her son willy (bill) helping me clean out the shed cuz i am scared of spiders LMAO. he came to my rescue LOL I REALLY REALLY REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO CLEAN THAT SHED OUT LOL.

HERE ARE ALL OF HER PRETTY FLOWERS THAT I TOOK CARE OF SO THEY WOULDN'T DIE. she loves her garden so much and she used to have VERY beautiful flowers that i saw pictures of. her garden was my pride and joy because i knew that she loved them all so much and i knew that if any of them died she would be heartbroken because she couldn't care for them herself anymore.


and here is the bird feeder that i made sure had food in so she had her birides to watch.

IMOGENE

isn't gonna make it :( she isn't eating at all (well she ate her favorite candy bar that i brought her) and just wants to die. i know that she isn't coming home. i am so sad. i can't believe how fast this all happened. i mean two weeks ago she was fine and now she looks so bad and is so weak. my heart is broken. i hope and pray that she goes peacefully in her sleep. i don't want to see her waste away to nothing and suffer at all. i am gonna miss her so much. i'm visiting her everyday and everyday she looks worse. she has thrush from the antibiotics from when she had pneumonia. this sucks.

i went and saw her today and the social worker was there and when i came in she got a big smile and reached for my hand and it brought tears to my eyes. the social worker said "ohh this must be someone special" and imogene nodded and then looked at me and smiled. this is soooo hard. i just can't get over how fast she went down hill. i know she is just tired and wants to die and she will be at peace. i don't want anyone telling me that cuz i already know that. i love her so much and this hurts like hell. she wants me to take her dog to the pound and start moving her stuff out of her house and start looking into a long term care facility. she only has 20 days in the extended care part of the hossy. i wonder if she will last 20 days? i hope not if she isn't eating. that would be horribly sad. i don't want to take her poor dog to the pound. chichi (her dog) is imogenes dog and no one elses. i wish i could take her home with me, but she is so unpredictable. dyllan and ashley know that they can't touch her and stuff cuz you never know when she is gonna snap but i have my dogs and so many little kids coming and going from my home that there is just no way that i could take her. ohh well, if chichi gets put down and then imogene dies at least they will be together.

UGGH, to much has happened TOO MUCH, i know that i will be just that much stronger BUT DAMMIT i am sick of this crap. too much grieving, to much scariness (ashley getting sick), too much money problems. JUST TOO MUCH.

i can't even describe how i am feeling.

i love you imogene, forever baby, george, and david.

you know about imogene and our forever baby. here is a little bit about george and david.

george was 89 when he died. i was living with him when i was 15 because we were homeless because my mom was a junkie. he was a neighbor of ours that we had met before we became homeless. i met him when i was 14 and we used to walk to the store together with heather and joe. he was deaf and taught me sign language and was an awesome awesome man. i loved him so much and he was there for me when i needed someone the most. then one day in the morning i am getting ready for school and he said his chest hurt. i wanted to stay home with him and make sure that he got to the doctor. he signed that he was fine and that i needed to go to school and the he would go to the doc. so off to school i went. i was worried about him all day and couldn't wait to get back home. so i got back home to his friend signing to me that he had died. i couldn't believe it and kept saying NO he was going to the doctor. he kept signing to me over and over and i wouldn't believe it. he finally wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it in front of my face to read. i was crushed. i didn't know what to do. i loved him so much. i felt so much guilt cus i shoulda stayed home and got him to the doc. i wondered around the streets for a couple hours and then my mom came driving up and i left with her, homeless in a car and having lost my best friend, my adopted grandpa.

i met david when i was 16 at one of my mom's friends house. he was a good guy. very caring and had a good heart. he was my first love even though he was much older then me. he had a disease called gamborray (sp?) and it crippled him and when i met him he was on the road to recovery. when i left the home (the 15ft trailor that my mom, baby brother and i were living in) and moved in with one of my moms friends because i just couldn't be with my mom anymore and be the mom of my little brother. i had to take a step forward. anyway i didn't last long at those ppl's house because they were not GOOD so david took me in and helped me in so many ways. anyway we both helped each other and then went our own ways but were still very good friends because we both helped each other feel more confident about ourselves. about a yr later i got a phone call from two good friends that i met through him that he had died of a heart attach. i couldn't believe it, he was so young, only 47yrs old. i was crushed, he was my first love (no we never had sex). he helped me to get on my feet and be free from my mom. i don't know where i would be today if he hadn't been there when he was.

i know what it feels like to lose loved ones and it hurts so bad. i loved them all with all of my heart. i hope and pray imogene goes peacefully and i don't want her to be alone when she goes.