where i am
mentally. well i don't know where i am at LOL. i have all of these feelings that kinda get all jumbled together kwim? i feel very sad, pissed off, confused, forced, fake, lonely, confused (oh wait i said that already). really i don't know what i am feeling. i am watching imogene die. i miss my sis, i miss my nephew liam, i am gonna miss imogene. money sucks ass. i am so tired. i miss my life.
okay lets see if i can put some order to this. i think about liam all the time even though i hardly ever bring him up. every tuesday and wednesday is very hard because every week those two days are reminders that i am never gonna meet him. okay i won't meet him for a long long time. what goes through my head? well i try to think of what he would want me to do. would he want me to be happy and enjoy the life that i do have? i would think so. that is what i am trying to do. talking about him or bringing him up hurts so much. that is why i don't. i think of him often though. i think of what his life is like up with auntie shellie and gramma ohme. i think of what he is doing up there. laughing, playing, giggling and looking down on us hoping that some day we will be happy and know and accept that he is in good hands. this is what i think about. it brings a smile to my face and makes me feel stronger. when my sister brings him up i do talk about him and listen even though it hurts so bad. i know that she is at a different stage of grief and well we are grieving differently anyway. for one he was her baby. i miss hearing about my live nephews and seeing pics of them and well i just miss our old life. it makes me so sad and mad that we have all been put through so much this past year.
for instance, i have an appt next week for ashley's itp hemo doc. her disease is always in the back of my head. when ever she gets a bloody nose or i see bruises i freak out on the inside. its always there. never goes away. i hope and pray everyday that she never relapses EVER. the fear of her dying is still very fresh like it was yesterday.
i also am always thinking of kaiden and his poor pancreas. he isn't gaining weight still (not losing, but still not gaining). why isn't he gaining? this can't keep going on. there has got to be a reason or something. i know the reason is his pancreas but is there more? i would think that his enzymes would have helped by now.
i feel fake because i am faking and putting on a front of this positive attitude and that things will get better. i know they will but when? i guess i feel that if i stay positive and smiling and laughing and just talk about the good things in our lives that it will feel better. it does but it doesn't last long kwim? hard to explain i guess.
i hate watching imogene die. it's so hard, harder then you can imagine. she doesn't want me crying, so when i see her i laugh and make her laugh and then i leave feeling so alone. i want her to be happy and i want what she wants. i just hate that she has given up but at the same time i understand. she is 88 yrs old for crying out loud. today's meeting went well, i bawled and felt like a dork but they were very understanding. imogene has told them that i am supposed to know everything so i was put on the list of ppl to notify if she is going to pass. i don't want her to be alone when she goes and i am the closest person to her so i can zip on down there and just be with her when she passes. she is starving to death. i know it's not going to be pretty, but god i hope she feels no pain and that she passes in her sleep or something.
on top of all this i am still dealing with money issues. i need to be looking for another job but i am so wrapped up in being there for imogene and my family that i just haven't had the energy or desire to do so. i've got the paperwork mostly filled out to get help with our mortgage but i have questions and they won't talk to me till they put the damned thing that i faxed to them on file. i want to get this done and over with. i had to spend 308 bucks the day before yesterday to get my tax info, and get homeowners and auto insurance. i am trying to save as much as i can for our septembers mortgage but at this rate i don't know how that is gonna happen. ohh well, it will work out right? i hope so. i need to find another job dammit. i really don't want to though till after imogene passes.
soo there ya have it. i think that pretty much sums up everything going on in my head. no wonder i am tired all the flippin time.
okay lets see if i can put some order to this. i think about liam all the time even though i hardly ever bring him up. every tuesday and wednesday is very hard because every week those two days are reminders that i am never gonna meet him. okay i won't meet him for a long long time. what goes through my head? well i try to think of what he would want me to do. would he want me to be happy and enjoy the life that i do have? i would think so. that is what i am trying to do. talking about him or bringing him up hurts so much. that is why i don't. i think of him often though. i think of what his life is like up with auntie shellie and gramma ohme. i think of what he is doing up there. laughing, playing, giggling and looking down on us hoping that some day we will be happy and know and accept that he is in good hands. this is what i think about. it brings a smile to my face and makes me feel stronger. when my sister brings him up i do talk about him and listen even though it hurts so bad. i know that she is at a different stage of grief and well we are grieving differently anyway. for one he was her baby. i miss hearing about my live nephews and seeing pics of them and well i just miss our old life. it makes me so sad and mad that we have all been put through so much this past year.
for instance, i have an appt next week for ashley's itp hemo doc. her disease is always in the back of my head. when ever she gets a bloody nose or i see bruises i freak out on the inside. its always there. never goes away. i hope and pray everyday that she never relapses EVER. the fear of her dying is still very fresh like it was yesterday.
i also am always thinking of kaiden and his poor pancreas. he isn't gaining weight still (not losing, but still not gaining). why isn't he gaining? this can't keep going on. there has got to be a reason or something. i know the reason is his pancreas but is there more? i would think that his enzymes would have helped by now.
i feel fake because i am faking and putting on a front of this positive attitude and that things will get better. i know they will but when? i guess i feel that if i stay positive and smiling and laughing and just talk about the good things in our lives that it will feel better. it does but it doesn't last long kwim? hard to explain i guess.
i hate watching imogene die. it's so hard, harder then you can imagine. she doesn't want me crying, so when i see her i laugh and make her laugh and then i leave feeling so alone. i want her to be happy and i want what she wants. i just hate that she has given up but at the same time i understand. she is 88 yrs old for crying out loud. today's meeting went well, i bawled and felt like a dork but they were very understanding. imogene has told them that i am supposed to know everything so i was put on the list of ppl to notify if she is going to pass. i don't want her to be alone when she goes and i am the closest person to her so i can zip on down there and just be with her when she passes. she is starving to death. i know it's not going to be pretty, but god i hope she feels no pain and that she passes in her sleep or something.
on top of all this i am still dealing with money issues. i need to be looking for another job but i am so wrapped up in being there for imogene and my family that i just haven't had the energy or desire to do so. i've got the paperwork mostly filled out to get help with our mortgage but i have questions and they won't talk to me till they put the damned thing that i faxed to them on file. i want to get this done and over with. i had to spend 308 bucks the day before yesterday to get my tax info, and get homeowners and auto insurance. i am trying to save as much as i can for our septembers mortgage but at this rate i don't know how that is gonna happen. ohh well, it will work out right? i hope so. i need to find another job dammit. i really don't want to though till after imogene passes.
soo there ya have it. i think that pretty much sums up everything going on in my head. no wonder i am tired all the flippin time.
posted by christina at 12:34 PM
3 Comments:
Sweetie, life does suck at times and it seems to always lump up when we are feeling at our worst.
Im sure Imogene loves having your around and knows you love her very much.
Hang in there GF!! You DO have a LOT going on right now!! It WILL get better!!! (((HUGS)))
Christina....I wish i could go there and give you the hugest hugs of all times. Girl...Put your pick down for the October Kit...my treat. I'll work it out with Shellye. You need to scrap...if you're like me...at least for a moment, it makes you forget how bad life sucks sometimes. ♥ love you. P.S Get a mega! ;)
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