FEELING MUCH BETTER

thanks to my friends. i am now looking at it differently. that maybe i just wasn't meant to go see her last friday because she was going to pass away and maybe she couldn't do that if i would have gone to see her. either way i am okay now. i miss her but i am okay. today my mil and fil and imogene's son is meeting me at her trailer to get all her stuff packed up and over to gleaners. it's going to be a tuff day but at least it will be done after this. my goal this weekend is to finish getting her plants in the ground but we will see LOL

going to a crop on sunday at my sister's house and then to my brother's house for his bday.

feeling pretty crappy

i talked to sue about me. i need to talk. last friday i had a hard day and just couldn't bear seeing imogene that day so i didnt' see her that day and couldn't sleep and was up till almost 11 (went to bed at 10:35ish) which was late for me. i thought i had time to go see her saturday. but as it turns out i didn't. i feel so bad that i was so selfish to not see her the last day she was alive. thursday was really hard on me. just ask my sis. imogenes toes were turning black and she was soooo skinny. anyway on friday it was just hard because i went to imogenes trailer and got her clothes and nic nacs and such to take to gleaners and then this one guy gave me a hard time saying "ohh your the one that keeps giving us grief" meaning with the back and forth crap. but it wasn't me and i told him it wasn't me. and maybe he didn't realize that imogene was dying. either way i was upset and just couldn't deal with the rest of the day. so i just came home after wards. then i get the call at 9:30 saturday morning from willie that imogene passed away friday night. i felt and still feel so shitty that i didn't see her friday and then on top of it the nursing home didn't call me like imogene wanted and i wanted so i could go be with her. even if it wasn't right as she died i still wanted to be with her, to say my goodbyes. i am trying so hard not to feel so bad about not seeing her friday, but dammit i feel so bad. i thought i had time and i thought they would call me. i guess that is why it is so important that I make sure her stuff gets to gleaners. uggh i feel so shitty and guilty that i took that day OF ALL DAYS. DAMMIT!!!!!!!

i'm sorry i just needed to get this out. i couldn't hold it in anymore.

imogene passed away last night

and of course i wasn't called. somehow her granddaughter was called, even over imogene's son willie. i didn't find out till this morning at 9:30. by that time imogene's body was already gone and the nursing home didn't know where she had gone. i hope it was to scheer memorial because that is where she was supposed to go. UGGH i am sooo mad right now it's unreal. i wanted so badly to be there, even if it wasn't right when she passed then shortly after. i was awake when she passed too which doesn't help. i was there for her every day and she TOLD them that i was to be notified right away and do they do that NOOOOO and now i wasn't able to be there. i wanted to be there dammit. i guess imogene was right in the sense that her non speaking relatives would take over AND THEY SURE DID DIDN'T THEY!!!!!! ohh well tomorrow is another day. i just so wish i could have been there to say good bye. i know i can say good bye now in my own thinking and praying but it's not the same dammit. imogene is being cremated and i have no idea if they are hosting a wake and if they are am i invited so i can say my good byes then? i am sooo sad and mad and upset and well everything.

I LOVE YOU IMOGENE, i was with you in spirit and just know that you are my gramma in every way that mattered. i am continuing to take care of your things that need to go to gleaners and i am helping willie sell the trailor. so don't worry all of that is getting taken care of. i miss you so much and i miss your smiling face and your spunky attitude.