feeling pretty crappy

i talked to sue about me. i need to talk. last friday i had a hard day and just couldn't bear seeing imogene that day so i didnt' see her that day and couldn't sleep and was up till almost 11 (went to bed at 10:35ish) which was late for me. i thought i had time to go see her saturday. but as it turns out i didn't. i feel so bad that i was so selfish to not see her the last day she was alive. thursday was really hard on me. just ask my sis. imogenes toes were turning black and she was soooo skinny. anyway on friday it was just hard because i went to imogenes trailer and got her clothes and nic nacs and such to take to gleaners and then this one guy gave me a hard time saying "ohh your the one that keeps giving us grief" meaning with the back and forth crap. but it wasn't me and i told him it wasn't me. and maybe he didn't realize that imogene was dying. either way i was upset and just couldn't deal with the rest of the day. so i just came home after wards. then i get the call at 9:30 saturday morning from willie that imogene passed away friday night. i felt and still feel so shitty that i didn't see her friday and then on top of it the nursing home didn't call me like imogene wanted and i wanted so i could go be with her. even if it wasn't right as she died i still wanted to be with her, to say my goodbyes. i am trying so hard not to feel so bad about not seeing her friday, but dammit i feel so bad. i thought i had time and i thought they would call me. i guess that is why it is so important that I make sure her stuff gets to gleaners. uggh i feel so shitty and guilty that i took that day OF ALL DAYS. DAMMIT!!!!!!!

i'm sorry i just needed to get this out. i couldn't hold it in anymore.