Saturday, September 23, 2006

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okay i have a question for all.....

you that read my blog. Okay so about four years ago my husband got drunk and him and his cousin got into it. mind you the cousin was also under the influence. anyway the cousin disowned my husband because of this one stupid night. first i want to say that i think disowning is just plain rediculous especially over something so stupid. I mean have we never heard of forgiving and moving on and regardless of what this cousin says it was both of them that were stupid that night. okay so i have a question. I am very close to my sister and bil, i love them with all of my heart and soul and they love us and are very close to us. now my sister and bil are not all that close with this cousin, i mean they just don't see each other all that often etc etc. no real connection there except that the cousin is family. So this cousin's wife ran into my sister at the gym and invited them to a big family bbq. so my sister said sure why not. My question is this, would you go knowing that your very close sister and bil was not invited, knowing that by you going or by you not saying "this is rediculous, please stop the disowning" is hurting your sister and bil. I mean am i being overly sensitive by being hurt by this? I mean them going certainly doesn't change my love for them but it does really hurt, because i feel (can't help what you feel) that they are saying this cousin is justified in the disowning. I need some outside opinions please. I really need to think about this objectively and need your opinions. I have already asked my mil and fil and they said that they wouldn't go. I know this is silly of me I just need some input on how to get over it LOL and what you all would do. keep in mind that my sister and bil are close to my husband and I and they aren't close to the cousin that disowned my husband. ohh and my bil is my husbands brother LOL. Okay thanks for listening and sorry if i am being silly. don't hesitate to just tell me to get over it LOL i like upfront honesty in all aspects of my life. THANK YOU :)

posted by christina at 8:06 AM

8 Comments:

Blogger Julie said...

Not sure you really want my opinion... but my thought is that your sister and BIL do not have a reason to NOT go as it is not them involved in the disagreement. They will not solve the situation by not going, but perhaps by going they can talk to the cousin and express their opinion about the state of the relationship between your dh and his cousin (i.e. that they - I'm assuming - think it is juvenile and maybe everyone should be adult about the whole situation and move past this bump in life). By not going, they would be feeding the fire of the disagreement and perhaps make it worse by involving themselves in something that really has nothing to do with them. Hopefully with them going, they can help put some stepping stones in place to 'build a path' of forgiveness between your dh and his cousin.

8:33 AM  
Blogger christina said...

yes i feel the same way, that if they do go then maybe they would talk to him etc, but they won't, they have even said that they won't. so that is my problem LOL and i guess that is why it hurts kwim?

8:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is very hard and I've dealt with something similar. My dad was best friends with both of his brothers. But the other 2 brothers were worst enemies. The youngest didn't even go to the other brothers funeral.

My dad handled it by telling them both he loved them but that he would spend time with both of them. He also told them that if they ever wanted to meet on neutral ground he would provide the place.

He went on for 40 some yrs seeing both brothers and loving both brothers. I truly think your sis is in the same place my dad was.

Does it make it easy for you NO, but your sister and your cousin didn't have the fight. They still have the right to be friends and part of that side of the family.

I'm terribly sorry that you are hurt and I can understand why you are upset. But, remember that your sis loves you but has the right to see your cousin.

Sorry I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear :(

8:52 AM  
Blogger christina said...

Thank you Jane, this is why i posted this to get some outside input LOL and thank you for being honest i truly appreciate it. :)

8:54 AM  
Blogger Katie Skiff said...

I agree with Julie here. If they say No because of the argument they might make it worse. If they go and can maybe visit with them, that might help the situation.

I can understand why you are feeling hurt from them going. I think that disowning family is crazy, but maybe your DH needs to speak to the cousin and, even if both parties were wrong, just apologize and move on. That way he is the bigger person and he made the step forward and at least you guys can feel better about doing the right thing. Then if the cousin still plays the jerk card, then he's the jerk, not you.

I hope that makes sense.

Good luck!!

9:28 AM  
Blogger christina said...

thank you Katie, yeah jason went up and apologized the next day and the cousin is still playing the jerk card 4 years later, almost five years later. I think they should go to, its just so annoying that the cousin is still acting this way thats all. I am going to try my darndest to not let it get to me but it is sooo hard sometimes.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Donna C said...

Christina , don't hold it against your DS and Bril if they go . I agree with Julie that it may be a stepping stone into your relationship with the cousin . Disowning is the stupidist thing going , believe me whan I say this . My MIL " disowns " everybody at some point .... her 2 remaining siblings ( one is 97 ! ) and my DH more then once in the past 33 yrs . At the moment DD ansd I are " disowned " !!! It just gets to be rediculous ( and over totally stupid things ! )and what does it prove ? The one doing the " disowning " is just trying to control the issue - it doesn't make it right . After my last " disowning " I just stepped away and said I am so done with the situation , I will NOT play that " childish " game , my DH knows how I feel and respects me for it . I have no problem with him visiting her , I just don't want her in my house . If she can't treat me with respect , then she isn't welcome . Until the cousin makes the first move , I would say it isn't worth the brain power you are wasting on the situation . Your DS and BrIL are not involved so they really aren't stepping on your toes if they chose to go . And by the way " watch for flies ! LOL ! Love the remark that Sue made ! LOL !

5:05 PM  
Blogger christina said...

LOL i know donna i loved that comment too LOL sue is such a great MIL. I love her to death. I personally just don't get the whole disowning thing, its down right stupid.

5:50 PM  

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