Christina's............

kayaking pics

2009-03-12T05:06:00.000-07:00

that i promised :) not sure if you can see them but there are three ducks swimming close to the shore in the pic below :)

some geese that i am not sure where they are from LOL i don't recognize them.

some of the mountain side when we first started out from shore :)

this is my best friend Sasha, she owns the kayaks and just got a new camera for christmas.

kayaking (sp?)

2009-03-03T05:32:00.001-08:00

i went kayaking for the first time this last friday and it was FUN FUN FUN!!!!! sasha and i went and we took our camera's. yes yes a little bit crazy taking my dslr camera in a kayak when i had never gone before LOL but hey it was fun and i felt so comfy, like i had been kayaking my entire life :)

let me just say it is very difficult to get non blurry pictures while in a kayak LOL i mean you're in this tiny boat that is constantly moving and the wind was blowing that day too. i can't wait to go again :) you should have seen our set up. we both, obviously, had life jackets on and then we had zip hoodies on, we put our camera strap underneath the hood and then zipped our camera's up inside the hoodies so they were somewhat protected. The really funny part is that i wanted to go kayaking in this hypothermia water LOL. Basically this water, i think, dumps either into the river or into the forebay? or afterbay? anyway it comes from the bottom of the lake from the damn so it's VERY VERY COLD, but OMG sooooo very gorgeous. i was really hoping we would see the river otter there but we didn't. maybe next time :)

anyway i do have pics to post but i left my camera at sasha's house like a big ole dork. not sure how well they turned out since i only have the xt and the screen on that is tiny LOL. i'll post them later because i'm bringing my camera home today.

well i hope everyone has a great day, i'm off to finish the book i started yesterday :)

jeeze

2009-02-25T06:35:00.000-08:00

it's been a long time since i blogged LOL. ohh well i just wasn't in the mood to write and really not sure what i am going to say right now either LOL.

we have all, meaning jason, the kids and i, been spending TONS of time at our friends house that we had not seen in over 3 yrs. long story and i won't go into the details but needless to say we are over there all the time or they are over here. it's been really nice but at the same time i am missing my sis and nephews and my mommasue a lot as well. i guess i need to find a happy medium lol. i have spent most of the last 3 and a half years on this darn computer and it feels really good to not be on it sooo stinkin much and have friends in real life that only live a couple miles from me. it feels really good to have a social life again, but i MISS talking to my sister all the time too and her sharing with me what's going on in her life and i MISS talking with mommasue.

i MISS the small details. like for instance i didn't even know my nephew lost his first tooth a couple weeks ago. HOW could i NOT know that? i guess i just feel like i am missing out on a lot of stuff with my sis but i don't miss being on this computer so damn much. so what do i do???? someone please tell me that LOL. i can't just hop in my van and drive up to heather's because my van is a POS and i don't trust it at all and she lives about 50 minutes from me :(. i really want to go up and stay the night and reconnect with her AND i am sure it's just me feeling guilty about not being in as much contact as i used to be, but i get the feeling that she's hurt that i don't talk to her as much. who the hell knows. i just know that i love her and miss her but at the same time i don't miss this computer.

ohh well!!!!!! i plan on getting a new/used vehicle with my income tax returns at the auction in orland. so hopefully i can get a good one and then i CAN drive up there when ever i want :)

we used to talk about everything, no matter how little or big and now she barely tells me anything. even when i'm home and chatting with her. i just feel like i know nothing that is going on in her life or mommasue's and vice versa. i really have to figure this out and it would really help to have a dependable vehicle.

okay well that's enough of that.

talk to you all later and have a great day :)

ASHLEY'S BDAY PARTY :)

2008-12-08T04:40:00.001-08:00

Ashley's birthday was on the 6th and she is now 7 yrs old. omg where does the time fly? We didn't have her birthday party till yesterday (7th) because daddy had to work. Omg my house was PACKED lol, there were 13 kids there not including ashley lol so 14 kids altogether lol and then there were 10 adults, so 24 ppl packed into my tiny 1012 sq ft home LMAO. it was so much fun though. all the kids had a lot of fun.

this picture below was just me playing with my camera lol, i think it came out pretty cool.

this is a pic of all the kids minus corbin, joey, kirsten and dyllan

ashley opening presents and omg she made out like a bandit lol.

all her presents after they were all opened :)

daddy bringing her the cake :)

her blowing out her candles :)

she had soooooo much fun :)

grief

2008-11-04T06:16:00.000-08:00

is such a weird thing. you never know how you are going to feel until someone you love dies.

For instance, i truly thought that if my mom died that i wouldn't feel much because of everything that we went through together growing up. As most of you know she was bipolar and because of not realizing it or not seeking help or what have you, she became an alcoholic and drug addict. I went through many things with her, some of which included abuse when she was high, being homeless in a car for 6 months when i was in highschool, her living in bars while i took care of my youngest brother etc etc. Needless to say i had a TON of resentments towards her and anger, lots and lots of anger. But in her last years, especially her last year, she changed. she quit drinking (she had quit drugs about 12 years before) and she found god and tried her best to make amends to me.
We talked quite a bit on yahoo messenger, and almost every morning she would say "good morning sweetie, i hope you have a wonderful day and know that i love you" Now sometimes i wouldn't write back for whatever reasons, just not in the mood to talk on that thing, or just because of whatever mood i was in at the time. I now regret that big time. I wish with all my heart that i had talked to her more.

anyway, my brother was going out to visit her and was leaving on sept 7th early in the morning to catch his plane out there, then he was going to be bringing her back for a visit. My brother and i were very skeptical of this visit because we had been lied to by her so many times. we weren't sure if she had actually quit drinking etc etc, But we were still excited to see her again, and FINALLY meet her grandchildren. The day before my brother was supposed to get on that plane, she had a massive stroke. I was up at mommasue's when my hubby called me telling me my sister called and it was about mom and that something had happened. So i called my sis and she told me, at first i was numb, like it wasn't a big deal and it can't be serious. so then i got home and called my sis again to see if there were any updates, turned out she had a massive aneurism (sp?) type of stroke and that she probably wouldn't make it through the night. A couple hours later it HIT me HARD that she was going to die. I never in my life thought that her death would hit me so hard, but it did. For numerous reasons, I felt so many things, Robbed of a childhood with a good mom, angry that she had done so many stupid things, sad that she lived her life the way she did, Sad that she put us kids through so much crap, SAD that she wouldn't ever meet her grandchildren. i could go on and on. i have to get one thing straight, as messed up as she WAS when i was growing up, I STILL LOVED HER, SHE WAS MY MOM. she was no saint but when she was sober she was an awesome mom, very loving, huge heart, sang us songs, all the stuff a normal mom would do. She just wasn't sober all that often, she tried so many times to stop using and drinking and it would last a while and then she would break and go back to it. So just because she was an addict/alcoholic DOESN'T mean she wasn't a good person deep down, because she WAS.

I LOVED HER VERY MUCH.

so i guess my point to all this is that just because i went through hell and back with her doesn't mean that i didn't love her, nor does it mean that losing her isn't going to affect me, because losing her affected me more then i ever thought it would. She wasn't all bad, deep down she was the most loving person i knew when she was sober. i cherish those GOOD times now, more then i ever have. doesn't mean i don't think of the bad times because i do, but i would much rather CHERISH the GOOD times we had together, especially the last year or so that she was with us.

my sister made this beautiful siggy of her and the poem on it is AWESOME, mom was in a lot of pain her last years of life and now she feels no pain and that brings me peace. Also DON'T ever think that you are going to feel or not feel a certain way when someone you love dies, you NEVER know how it's going to affect you till it happens.

thanks for reading :)

here is the siggy my sis made

strange

2008-10-27T06:50:00.001-07:00

okay so a long time ago when i was about 8 or 9 my mom bought this really cute glass kitty candle holder. I loved it, it was so cute and pretty. Anyway I am not sure what happened to it, probably got lost over the years or shoot maybe she still had it, need to ask her hubby about that. anyway a week ago on saturday (mom had her stroke on a saturday) Dyllan came home from his friends house who was having a yard sale, and the dad said he could pick out ONE thing and he picked out the SAME kitty candle holder that my mom had. Dyllan never knew about that candle holder either. When he got home he gave it to me and at first i thought to myself "why does this look so familiar?" then on wednesday I figured out why it looked familiar, that mom had one just like it.

Isn't that strange? that of all the things he could pick out, he picks that out. I truly believe that mom sent it to me as a reminder of her being happy and in a much happier place.

I will treasure it forever.

here are a couple of pics of it :D

well i guess it's been a while since i last posted

2008-10-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

just haven't had much to say.

anyway it's been over a month since mom passed away and i am doing pretty well. i still have my moments where i miss her terribly but i know she is in a better place and not in pain anymore.

i've been talking to my gramma a lot and it's been so nice getting to know her again. she is going to come visit us in the spring and i can't wait. i sent her mom's journal through yahoo messenger but she said she can't print it out for whatever reason lol, she is 75 after all. sooooo i printed it out for her and am matting all the pages on cardstock and then making a cover and back cover out of chipboard and will decorate it all pretty and then bind it and send it to her. i have had NO desire to scrapbook so i think doing this for her will get me back in the mood.

anyway i guess that's it for now

OMGOSH

2008-08-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

i am so excited. my scrapbook board is hosting an ITP fundraiser.

to learn more about ITP and what our daughter went through you can click on the link below. my sister was very sweet to make this video for me.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7949921451942737361

If you aren't a member of Life preservers scrapbook club then you can join by clicking this link http://lifepclub.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx

and then you can find the prizes listed here
http://lifepclub.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=5572

and the info i listed below with links is here
http://lifepclub.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=5927

more prizes will be listed as they are donated.

here is how it will work

You may make your donation to the ITP Raffle here! To view the Grand Prize, please see Deb's post "Raffle for ITP" We will also have other small prizes that have been donated by members; if you're interested in making a prize donation, please notify me or a DT Member

•Every $5 equals 2 tickets
•Every donation of $50 or more equals 3 tickets per $5
For example, if your donation is $25 you will have 10 tickets
If your donation is $50, you will have 30 tickets; $60, you will have 36 tickets and so on.

-CLICK HERE TO MAKE YOUR DONATION BY PAYPAL-

**Tickets will be on sale until August 30th and the drawings will be held August 31st** All proceeds will go to ITP Research and I will post those details here shortly.

Thank YOU!

Information from Christina regarding ITP and where the donation will be sent:

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Joan Young
Subject: Re: PDSA Contact Form

Christina,

That's wonderful that your group would like to contribute to ITP research. We do have a research fund which is separate from our educational and other operating expenses. To contribute to the research fund, just address the checks to 'research fund' or otherwise let us know that is your intent. The mailing address is below.

I'll also forward your message to Mary Ann, our Director of Development. She is on vacation, but will get be in touch with you as soon as she can upon her return.

I hope your daughter is doing well.

If there is anything we can do to help, let us know.

Joan

my daughter Ashley has ITP and my scrapbooking board is wanting to do a
fund raiser online benefit crop the beginning of next year. I was
wondering if you accept donations for research? If so, what is the address
we send the money to? I appreciate any information that you can give me.

thank you very much,

Christina

Alice Baer
Administrative Director
Platelet Disorder Support Association (PDSA)
133 Rollins Avenue, Suite 5
Rockville, Maryland 20852
301-770-6636, 1-877-528-3538 (toll free)
Fax: 301-770-6638
www.pdsa.org

The Platelet Disorder Support Association is dedicated to enhancing the lives of people with immune thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP) and other platelet disorders through education, advocacy, and research.

Joan Young
Founder and President
Platelet Disorder Support Association
133 Rollins Ave., Suite 5
Rockville, MD 20852
Phone: (301) 770-6636
Fax: (301) 770-6638
www.pdsa.org

The Platelet Disorder Support Association is dedicated to helping those with immune thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP) and other platelet disorders through education, support, research, and advocacy.

ARE WE CRAZY ANIMAL LOVERS???

2008-08-06T07:22:00.001-07:00

OR WHAT??? LMAO

yah like we needed another dog lol. god i am such a sucker for dogs. if i had enough property i would have TONS of them. there are so many that i just want and not to mention rescuing them from the pound. i wish i was rich lol.

i come from a family that were always big on animals lol. my bio mom was always a cat lover and my step dad was a dog lover. my sis is more of a cat lover but she also loves dogs too and has three of them lol along with FOUR cats, so seven pets total. and you all think i'm nuts? lmao she is even more nutso then i am HAH!!!!

SO now we have four dogs, i swore i would never own more then three dogs, let alone a pit bull lol, ohh well i guess you should NEVER say NEVER LOL

so here are some cute pics of her. her name is suzy may. dyllan named her.

we had the best fourth of july

2008-07-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

and guess what? i didn't take ONE pic lmao.

my sister showed up about 10:30am with the kids and we just hung out. mom and dad got there around three and dad and sue got there around 4. i made chicken enchiladas, dad (jerry) made chili verde, sue made spanish rice and we had chips and salsa. everything was so nummy to my tummy. we all sat around under our big tree and just chit chatted and drank lol. the kids had tons of fun playing.

later that night we played mexican trains and had margaritas and smores lol. mom and dad brought there fire pit so we were able to have a fire to roast the marshmellows. it was so fun and relaxing.

then promptly at 9:45 we watched the fireworks show. i love being able to see our fireworks from my back yard.

then we played more mexican trains and just gabbed and gabbed. dad played the banjo too. then we all went to bed around midnight.

the next morning i made breakfast burritos for everyone and then everyone left around 12ish.

all in all it was a great 4th of july. best one i have had in years.

i thought it was so funny that we were celebrating an american holiday and we have all mexican food LMAO but omg it was so nummy

oopsie

2008-06-29T09:15:00.001-07:00

wanted to post pics of what a normal hand looks like for comparison

2008-06-29T09:05:00.001-07:00

well i guess i haven't updated in a really long time again lol oooopsie. i've just been busy.

yesterday was my sis's baby shower and we did it differently this time. we had the whole family and friends there including the guys lol it was so much fun. seeing the guys play the clothespin game and draw the baby on the head game and well it was just hilarious.

i really don't have much to say. stressing about my hand and what the neurosurgeon is gonna say. but hey at least i can still type right. anyway here are some pics of my hand and the muscle wasting that is going on. can you say YUCK!

well he has finally

2008-05-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

left, my dad that is. he was here for almost a month. way to long lmao. he spent a total of 12days at my house and the rest at my brothers house.

all in all it was a good visit but omg he would go off on these tangents about his mom and gramma and it would drive me nuts. i would have to tell him WE ARE HERE NOW so stop talking about them or he would go off on these tangents about how everyone is out to get him where he lives like tapping his phone and everything. i have no doubts that he is a paranoid schizo. most of the time i could redirect him and get him to quit but sometimes i couldn't and an hour later he would still be talking about it. drove me nutso.

that was the only negative thing. my brother and i were talking about he wasn't really getting to know us. asking us things, like our dislikes or our likes etc etc. that didn't bother me though because i don't want him asking about our past growing up because i don't want to hear the tangents kwim? i focused on staying in the present.

anywho it wasn't a bad visit but it was definitely too long of one and thank god i have my house back now. WAHOOOOO

sorry it's been

2008-05-23T06:20:00.000-07:00

since i have posted but i have had my bio dad here and well life has been hectic. it's going well though. my dad is a little insane but he's alright lol and his heart is in the right place.

i am healing up from my surgery but i still can't feel my pinky and ring finger. doc said it could take up to three months to totally heal. it's only been three weeks. here is a pic of my scar. not that you all want to see it but thought i would show you anyway lol.

it's still very sensitive and i have to wear this elbow pad thing that looks like a sock with padding in it to protect it. he said i do not want to bump it.

anyway i have a leak in my sink drain somewhere and it's leaking out the back of my house. we thought we had a clog but my dad and hubby snaked the drain out 75ft and nothing. my sink just fills up with water and drains out the back of my house and into my kitchen from under the cabinets. it is quite frustrating and i am hoping that it will get fixed this weekend. i am doing dishes camping style and let me tell you it is not fun.

ohh also i have been off my meds for about two or three weeks now. they were making me have involuntary movements lol yes i was moving my leg and my jaw. well forget that. she needs to find some new meds for me. also the scripts are 50 bucks a month and we are so broke right now with trying to get this sink fixed. uggh. anyway i am doing okay. having my crying moments but i am still using all my will power to stay relaxed and not stress and well just be mellow till i get these meds figured out

wish me luck on this sink problem because i am sick of it. it's going on two weeks now. uggh

everyone have a great day.

ohh kids are out of school now YIPPEEE

today i am going to clean my house and just relax maybe i will do a little gardening

ohh my dad bought me a rototiller for my birthday. okay okay so my bday isn't till june 25th but he said happy early birthday. he also spent 4 hours rototilling my garden for me since i can't do it with my elbow. i just need to get more of the weeds out and then i can start planting.

okay now everyone have a great day. i'm off to check the boards

well i am home

2008-05-01T06:21:00.000-07:00

from my trip to ky. i had so much fun and it was so awesome to finally meet everyone that i have been talking to for two years now. i was so sad when i had to go. i miss them so much already.

well tomorrow is my surgery on my elbow and i am quite nervous. i hope i am not in a lot of pain or anything. i guess i will wake up with either a splint or a cast and i have to be in that for four to six weeks then i start light pt and then at 8 weeks i start heavy pt. i hope and pray this works and i can have the feeling back in my fingers and my grip strength back in that hand.

keep me in your prayers tomorrow :D

i love you all

found them

2008-04-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

yup we found his glasses. the neighbor kid had taken them and dyllan saw that he had them at school so dyllan got them back from him. the kid tried to say that ashley gave them to him but i know she didn't because she knows not to ever touch daddy's glasses. anyway i am so happy that we have them back and that kid is no longer allowed in our house. actually i had already made that rule but he was in the house anyway because i was gone at the store and jason i guess didn't know. ohh well now he does

OMG OMG OMG only three more days and a wake up and i am off to kentucky. i am so stoked.

what a morning

2008-04-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

so at 530 this morning i get woke up to jason not being able to find his sunglasses. GREAT these were 100 stupid dollars and now they are missing. he has had them a long time too.

i just don't know what could have happened to them unless they are in his truck and he just couldn't find them because he was so angry? i have told the kids that i do NOT want the neighbor kids in my house. they destroy it and don't care. also we have had things missing too and i don't know which kid takes them. so yesterday i am on the comp and i go in to check on the kids that are playing out front and what do i find? ashley and a neighbor kid in my house and now jason's glasses are missing. UGGH I AM SO PISSED OFF why can't kids be more like my kids?? honest and respectful of others belongings. god i hope he didn't steal them and i pray jason or i find them. jason has such light sensitive eyes and gets really bad headaches with out his sunglasses. UGGH

THEN i get my coffee and come out to my comp and mozilla won't f ing work. i hate internet explorer.

I HATE THIS MORNING SO FAR and am completely grumpy

MELISSA'S ETSY STORE

2008-04-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

is the bomb!!! She makes b e a utiful layouts, mini tins and well just about anything and they are all so gorgeous. she does custom orders too and you will be so happy with her work. Her customer service is to die for and well you gotta go check her out.

whimsypics etsy store

ohh and she has a blog too :D it's in my links under MELISSA. don't forget to leave her a comment.

ohh and ps I am going to put her etsy store in my business links as well so if you happen to lose her store site you can always come back to my blog and find it again.

THANKS A BUNCH GIRLS and seriously, GO CHECK HER STORE OUT!!!!!

here is an example of her work

HELP STOP THE HUNT

2008-04-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

At the time of slaughter, many have yet to eat their first solid meal or take their first swim, and they are utterly defenseless against the hunters.

Nations around the world have taken action to end their trade in seal products or announced their intention to do so, including Austria, Belgium, Croatia, France, Germany, Italy, Mexico, the Netherlands, Panama, Slovenia and the United States.

HSUS is calling upon the Canadian government to end the seal hunt by implementing a fair buyout of the sealing industry, compensating seal hunters for lost income as the slaughter is closed.

To take action for these baby seals, please visit this site:
It takes only a few minutes to sign these petitions, and they make a HUGE difference!
End The Baby Seal Hunt

and for more information, and a video of what really happens, click this link
http://www.hsus.org/index-seals.html

HERE IS ANOTHER COUPLE OF LINKS TO PETITIONS

https://community.hsus.org/campaign/trademi..._protectseals08

and this one that sends an email to your senator!!!!

https://community.hsus.org/campaign/US_2007_seal_resolution

Thank you all soooooooooo much, the seals are thanking you the most!

if the links don't work then just copy and paste into your browser please

PLEASE DO YOUR PART.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE VIDEO IT IS HEARTBREAKING AND IT SHOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THESE POOR DEFENSELESS BABY SEALS.

also here is some information if you think that maybe it's necessary for them to do this.

I really wanted to research it and understand the why’s of what they are doing out there. I thought at first that maybe it was a cultural practice of Canada’s indigenous people…but its not. Then I thought that maybe it was done due to over population of the seals or to over fishing of the cod in the area…but its not. Then I thought well maybe it makes up a huge part of the local economy in that area…but nope its less than 15% of their yearly income. Sadly what it is a hunt of animals for their skin and bodily oils (the seal oil is used to make Omega 3 capsules). Rich designers make profits off of the baby skins and nutritional supplement companies make money off the oil.

This is purely a money making venture that the sealers and the Canadian government must find quite profitable.

there is no reason for this to be going on.

boring lol

2008-03-16T08:42:00.001-07:00

boring boring boring lol, i don't have much to tell except that i got to see my littlest brother a couple weeks ago. sorry i am just now writing about it in my blog lol. here are some pics of the four of us being goofy. from left to right, heather, ricky (he is the brother that i haven't seen since he was nine), tommy and last but not least, me.

ricky is almost 17 years younger then me. he is our youngest brother. the reason i haven't seen him since he was nine is because my step dad (heather's real dad and technically my uncle, real dad and step dad are brothers, yes my mom liked to get around) took ricky and our other brother joey (he is still in alaska) to alaska and didn't come to visit with them. there is way more to the story but i won't bore you with the details.

every time i look at the pics i crack up because we were trying to mean mug it lol and heather and i couldn't do it at all and would just bust up laughing so hard. my favorite one is the one of ricky and i laughing at each other. gosh i sure do love him.

well that is about it.

well i have been busy

2008-03-01T17:47:00.000-08:00

scrapping from rebecca's four in four challenge and the lp crop. over the last month i have done 25 lo's lol that is crazy and it's safe to say that i am a wee bit burned out.

here are a few lo's that i have done.

on another note my pinky is officially useless from it being so numb and tingly. it's driving me batty and i can't wait till my doc appt so i can get it figured out on what to do to make it stop being this way. the bad thing is that it might take surgery on my elbow in order to make it stop.

life is going okay. we are still in loss midigation regarding our second mortgage and i have no idea where it is at because the girl i call never returns my phone calls. ohh well right. what else can i do. i need to talk to a supervisor or something because i hate not knowing what the hell is going on. sad news is that i am not gonna be able to make it to the crop in ky lol i always laugh when i say KY hahahahahahaha lmfao. anyway i am totally bummed about that cuz i really wanted to see all the girls and meet them all. ohh well what can i do.

well i guess that is it.

ps: sis you better spill the beans or i will for you :P lmao. love you and a big congrats to you. you totally rock!!!!!!!

i've been tagged by joyce

2008-02-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

SO HERE WE GO..........

10 Years Ago: my baby boy was only two years old and i was a full time college student.

Things on my to-do list today: is to do some laundry and go to walmart.

What I would do if I were suddenly made a billionaire: i would pay off all my debt and the debts of my family and then i would live very happily on the rest of the money and so would all of my family

3 of my bad habits: i bite my nails, i cuss and i am way to sensitive sometimes

3 places I have lived…i have lived in IDAHO, OREGON and CALIFORNIA

5 jobs that I have had: daycare provider, paper grader in college, home health care provider, lab tech ohh and once i worked at carls junior for a total of three days LMAO

5 Things people don't know about me: HMMMM this is a tuff one. i go barefoot all the time in the summer. i have a foul mouth. i drink pickel juice when i have pickels that is lol. i get hurt easily and i can get mad very easily too.

now i tag, donna, lisa, and rebecca

I'VE BEEN TAGGED

2008-02-06T06:25:00.000-08:00

I just read your blog sandra :D thanks for the tag :D
This is one I haven't seen before. It's called the middle-name game and here are the rules:

1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.
2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name).
3. After you are tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and your answers.
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and that they need to read your blog for details.)

So - here are my answers:

My middle name is Marie.

M - I love being a mom. A stay at home mom :D lol I don't have the greatest patience in the world but I think I do okay.

A - ass, yes i can be quite the ass some times with a little bit of bitchy thrown in there.

R - I am REAL. I am really honest but have learned to how to be honest in a nice way.

I - I am impatient. i am the most impatient person i know, i hate waiting, waiting is the worst thing for me.

E - everyday, everyday is a struggle for me right now. i put on a brave face but inside i am screaming. getting easier though thank god

Alright now I have to tag 5 people. Not too bad! I'm tagging, MELISSA, LISA, REBECCA, MICHELLE, AND VON!!!!!!

some more LO'S

2008-02-01T18:10:00.001-08:00

ANOTHER ONE

2008-01-29T06:58:00.001-08:00

I JUST DID THIS MORNING :D yes yes i messed up on the journaling but i don't care because now ashley will know i am not perfect :P LMAO

some lo's that i did this weekend

2008-01-29T05:50:00.000-08:00

on the ocean fun the pic is an accordian album with more pics inside. i wanted to get done with all the camping trip to the ocean so i used that to do it LOL.

not much to say

2008-01-24T06:09:00.000-08:00

but thought i would post anyway LMAO.

kids were home on tuesday because dyllan didn't feel good and i was cleaning and well i wasn't gonna interrupt my cleaning to take ashley to school so they both stayed home LOL.

i got tons done that day and am totally impressed that the house is still clean (kinda)

ohh tuesday i took a trip down the stair too, perfect way to end the day right? NOT lmao. i cut the shit out of my big toe and scraped my hand up. how did i fall you ask? shit don't ask me, one minute i was up and the next i was flat on my face LOL. musta been a site to see.

i finally have an appt for my physical therapy. i hope it works because i am sick to death of my pinky and ring finger being numb and tingly on my left hand.

i am still cutting strips for my quilt. i am not doing very much at a time because i cast a stupid shadow over my material when i am cutting. i need another light directly above so i can actually see what the hell i am doing. i can't wait to get it all cut and then i can start sewing :D i have to say i am quite nervous to start sewing. i don't want to screw it up lol.

i haven't scrapped i think since last friday lol feels like forever even though it's not. my wright board is having a crop this weekend though so that should get me going this weekend again and then if i run out of steam my lp board is having a crop in feb so i think i have enough crops to keep me going. i so want to get done with ashley's two year album. i am so sick to death of doing pics of her at that age LOL i know i know that is horrible of me but i am LOL i want to move on and do other stuff but my OCD says NO you have to finish UGGH we have screaming matches sometimes LOL. HA!!!!! this is a lo that i did friday i think (could have been saturday but not sure) and a few ppl on my wright board said i should color the naked chipboard. but i like it the way it looks. what do you guys think? and if so then what color?

well today isn't much, just have to go to bank, order jason's books, do dishes and laundry and cook dinner. i don't wanna do any of it except sit on my arse.

well love you all and ttyl

i'm a scrappin fool LOL

2008-01-14T05:52:00.001-08:00

and loving every minute of it. these are some of the lo's that i have done so far. i don't know what happened but the bug just bit me and it feels good. i have to say though i think i only got one done yesterday or maybe it was two. yes it was two that i got done yesterday.

on another note, my house is a stye AGAIN and my tree is still up LOL. i have energy but it isn't house energy LOL it's creative energy. i need to get that tree down though. it's driving me nuts and then i need to clean clean clean LOL.

dyllan had a friend over friday night and they all chipped in and CLEANED my whole house. okay i mean the kitchen (ashley did this part) and the living room and hallway. i was totally stoked. they swept and everything. then on saturday it was all messy again. UGGH KIDS!!!! ohh well what can i do. LOL

ps: thank you sis (M) for posting about ashley and itp on your blog. my sis has posted about the crop to her myspace friends and on her other ttc board. also krista is posting about it on her other boards too. her friend has ITP recently diagnosed and she is not doing well. they have removed her spleen and she is on chemo drugs and her platelets are at 14k, normal is 150k-400k. she spends her days in the hospital and has now for months. I feel so bad for her.

i hope and pray we can raise lots of money for research.

arrrgh

2008-01-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

it feels like there is not enough time in one day. I have yet to take down my stupid tree and my house is GROSS! yesterday was monday and well mondays always feel overwhelming. why? well cuz i want to get so much done and yet i never get anything done. why do i do this? i have no idea.

so what did i get done? well i got two loads of laundry done and dishes done (thanks to ashley) and then went to my doc appt. that took almost three stinkin hours LOL. drive there, doc appt time and drive back.

last night we had family time and it was nice, we never do this. why? not sure i guess cuz we are all doing our own thing? anyway dyllan got this puzzle for xmas and we started putting it together. we will do more of it tonight but i HAVE to move it to the kitchen table because i can't sit on that stupid floor. way to hard on my back and neck and well my whole body LOL. damn i really need to drop some weight because it certainly doesn't help my back, neck or whole body being at 180.

today i am going to scrub the bathroom down cuz it is GROSS.

lo i did yesterday

2008-01-03T14:57:00.001-08:00

has these words on the tag (it's originally in spanish but my big sis M translated for me and well i wanted to use it on a lo and i think it's fitting for any loved one that you have)

una palabra

One word doesn't say anything and at the same time hides everything, just like the wind hides the water , like the flowers hide the mud.

One look doesn't say anything and at the same time hides everything, just like the rain on your face, or an old treasure map; just like the rain on your face, or an old treasure map.

One truth doesn't say anything and at the same time hides everything, just like a bonfire that doesn't go out, like a rock that was born dust.

If one day you leave me (or are missing literally) I will be nothing and at the same time I will be everything because in your eyes are my wings and the edge where I drown.

and here is the lo

to all my friends who love me

2008-01-03T14:56:00.001-08:00

thank you for being there for me. you all are the bestest.

THANK GOD

2008-01-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

2007 IS OVER OVER OVER.........ding dong the wicked witch is dead LOL.

we celebrated the new year by ourselves playing pool and cards online LOL. i would have joined the lp crop but i was cropped out from the mini book i made for my momma.

ashley was gonna stay the night at her friends house but then at 10ish she had to come home because she puked (i guess she had a little bug). so she zonked out on the couch with a pan right next to her, poor kid. i felt so bad for her.

dyllan was gonna stay the night at a friends house but the gramma of the friend said that this punk neighbor of mine could stay the night first so dyllan came home with a migraine and zonked out by 7pm, poor kid. his poor head was hurting so bad that he was just balling and his tummy was all upset. i felt so bad for him.

what great ways for them to ring in the new year eh?

i did manage to stay awake till midnight too LOL pretty amazing eh? LOL

omg i got to see my nephew after 14 yrs of not seeing him. he has been with his mother in oregon and i had no way of getting a hold of her and my brother was let's just say not making good choices. anyway my brother is clean and sober for 4yrs now and is doing awesome. it feels so good to have him back after not being in my life for soooooooooo long.

anyway here are the pics.

dyllan and roman (my nephew)

ashley, roman, dyllan and tommy (my brother)

roman and his dad :D being goofballs

ashley, tommy and roman

and last but not least roman, tommy and I

today has been a great day

2007-12-25T20:26:00.000-08:00

but for some reason i just want to cry or i am feeling very snappy. i am controlling it though which is good.

woke up at 6 this morning and then kids woke up about 10 minutes later. opened presents and had a nice day. kids loved their toys and the clothes all fit :D

well i guess i should go to bed even though i don't want to

BOOOO

2007-12-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

lol ohh i crack myself right up.

well i have a busy day ahead of me LOL what fun. first i have gleaners (nothing like free food) and then i have to get xrays of my neck (yes yes i haven't done that yet) and then call my physical therapy and reschedule the appt i made because i accidentally made the appt for the same day as my doc appt LOL oopsie. then i have to drop scripts off at pharmacy, then come home get ashley and i ready, drop ashley off, go for my walk (i have to do this come hell or high water) and then clean (NOT!!!!!!!) LOL.

SO THAT IS MY DAY IN A NUTSHELL ohh and OMG i need to go xmas shopping LOL yah that is right still haven't done that yet. what is wrong with me but i am so not in the mood to go shopping. okay i hate shopping but i usually love to xmas shop. well i am sure once i start then i will have fun even if i can only get a few gifts.

ps: sandra, i love you gf!!!! and you are always in my prayers.

BIG KISSES AND HUGS TO ALL WHO READ MY BLOG LOL

i have pics to post but i am to lazy and impatient today to do it LOL

WOWSERS

2007-12-18T06:05:00.000-08:00

i guess it's been a while LOL. sorry all just didn't have much to say lol.

shoot i don't even know what to say now lol.

soooo lets see. we have our good insurance now WAHOOOO and i have a new doctor :D that i went and saw on the 11th of this month. it was a great visit too although to short since i had to be back to pick the kids up in time for school.

anyway she order xrays for my neck, and physical therapy for my neck and back. i have to call the insurance to find out what the co pay is for these things since we are so broke right now. also i was very honest with her in how i am feeling and felt in the past and she had me fill out this questionaire thing and it showed that i am in fact bipolar which is what i have thought for a long time. so now i am on meds (abilify and seroquel) and i hope that they get me on track because i am sick to death of feeling this way. i am supposed to call a psychiatrist because they are the experts on this and also a councelor to talk about it all LOL. again i need to find out co pay for this before i can do it.

bipolar (what does it mean to me?): well it means depression right now with some highs in the middle (called a mixed state). anyway some days i am so down that i just want to run away from it all and some days i am ok and get tons done but yet still feel so sad at the same time. hard to explain. i have been on really good highs in the past where i got everything done, spent money like crazy, and had lots of sex. when you are on that manic part it doesn't seem like anything is wrong. It's when you get the down side that you realize something is wrong and that you need help. both the depression and the mania comes with me being very irratable. i can be in a totally fine mood and then a certain thing can set me off and i will be screaming. sometimes i feel like i have this rage that just builds up and wants to lash out at anything. i can't even describe the feeling.

okay on to some good news :D

i called my insurance :D and found out that i have NO copay for the xrays and physical therapy :D i am soooo STOKED. i do have a copay for the psychiatrist and the therapist but they can be reduced from 30 to 15 once i see the psychiatrist and he confirms my docs diagnosis. i love having real insurance :D

for me i am doing okay, hangin in LOL. i have been walking EVERYDAY MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY :D and although i haven't lost weight i have lost inches. my original measurements when i first started walking were HIPS: 42.........WAISTE: 36.............CHEST: 42.........AND now my HIPS: 40.5............WAISTE: 35.........CHEST: 40.5

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I AM VERY HAPPY :D with those results. i could stay at 180 for the rest of my natural life as long as i am losing inches LOL

OHH the kids are doing great, although i am very frustrated with dyllan and school. uggh but we are working on it LOL and ashley is reading now :D just short words like MY, LIKE, AM, SEE etc etc.

so there ya have it and sorry i haven't updated in so long LOL just haven't wanted to write.

FEELING MUCH BETTER

2007-09-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

thanks to my friends. i am now looking at it differently. that maybe i just wasn't meant to go see her last friday because she was going to pass away and maybe she couldn't do that if i would have gone to see her. either way i am okay now. i miss her but i am okay. today my mil and fil and imogene's son is meeting me at her trailer to get all her stuff packed up and over to gleaners. it's going to be a tuff day but at least it will be done after this. my goal this weekend is to finish getting her plants in the ground but we will see LOL

going to a crop on sunday at my sister's house and then to my brother's house for his bday.

feeling pretty crappy

2007-09-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

i talked to sue about me. i need to talk. last friday i had a hard day and just couldn't bear seeing imogene that day so i didnt' see her that day and couldn't sleep and was up till almost 11 (went to bed at 10:35ish) which was late for me. i thought i had time to go see her saturday. but as it turns out i didn't. i feel so bad that i was so selfish to not see her the last day she was alive. thursday was really hard on me. just ask my sis. imogenes toes were turning black and she was soooo skinny. anyway on friday it was just hard because i went to imogenes trailer and got her clothes and nic nacs and such to take to gleaners and then this one guy gave me a hard time saying "ohh your the one that keeps giving us grief" meaning with the back and forth crap. but it wasn't me and i told him it wasn't me. and maybe he didn't realize that imogene was dying. either way i was upset and just couldn't deal with the rest of the day. so i just came home after wards. then i get the call at 9:30 saturday morning from willie that imogene passed away friday night. i felt and still feel so shitty that i didn't see her friday and then on top of it the nursing home didn't call me like imogene wanted and i wanted so i could go be with her. even if it wasn't right as she died i still wanted to be with her, to say my goodbyes. i am trying so hard not to feel so bad about not seeing her friday, but dammit i feel so bad. i thought i had time and i thought they would call me. i guess that is why it is so important that I make sure her stuff gets to gleaners. uggh i feel so shitty and guilty that i took that day OF ALL DAYS. DAMMIT!!!!!!!

i'm sorry i just needed to get this out. i couldn't hold it in anymore.

imogene passed away last night

2007-09-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

and of course i wasn't called. somehow her granddaughter was called, even over imogene's son willie. i didn't find out till this morning at 9:30. by that time imogene's body was already gone and the nursing home didn't know where she had gone. i hope it was to scheer memorial because that is where she was supposed to go. UGGH i am sooo mad right now it's unreal. i wanted so badly to be there, even if it wasn't right when she passed then shortly after. i was awake when she passed too which doesn't help. i was there for her every day and she TOLD them that i was to be notified right away and do they do that NOOOOO and now i wasn't able to be there. i wanted to be there dammit. i guess imogene was right in the sense that her non speaking relatives would take over AND THEY SURE DID DIDN'T THEY!!!!!! ohh well tomorrow is another day. i just so wish i could have been there to say good bye. i know i can say good bye now in my own thinking and praying but it's not the same dammit. imogene is being cremated and i have no idea if they are hosting a wake and if they are am i invited so i can say my good byes then? i am sooo sad and mad and upset and well everything.

I LOVE YOU IMOGENE, i was with you in spirit and just know that you are my gramma in every way that mattered. i am continuing to take care of your things that need to go to gleaners and i am helping willie sell the trailor. so don't worry all of that is getting taken care of. i miss you so much and i miss your smiling face and your spunky attitude.

WOWSERS

2007-08-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

I AM SORE SORE SORE LMAO. i spent all weekend doing yardwork. we have this huge ass grass bush thing LOL i don't know the name of it but it grows really big and the long thin grass like leaves will cut you up if you aren't careful LOL. anyway i am trying to get rid of the darned thing and OMG WHAT A PITA!!!!! i have little cuts all over my arms and legs. i have it 1/4th of the way gone now and am doing a little bit everyday. i should take pics of the stupid thing. why anyone would plant that thing BEATS ME!!!!! also i am slowly getting all of imogenes plants planted in my yard. the hardest part is figuring out where to put it all LOL. i love having her plants because then i feel like i have a part of her with me always.

anyway life is going i guess you could say. imogene is sooo sooo skinny now. it breaks my heart everytime i see her. i was spending 3-4 hours a day with her but this saturday i didn't go see her at all. i just needed a mental break. it's taking so much out of me. yesterday and today i only saw her for 30 minutes. i feel so guilty for not staying longer but i just can't do it anymore. i wasn't getting anything done at my own home and had no energy to do anything even when i was home. so i figure i will see her everyday but only once a day and not twice like i was and i won't stay so long when i do go. i figure about 30 minutes to an hour is plenty. it's so hard though. i just want to stay there with her all the time even though she probably doesn't even know i am there. UGGH!!!! i'm not sure what to do.

i showed her trailer today to the unit charge nurse. she is gonna buy it with everything in it. i need to go over there and pack up what she doesn't want and take it to gleaners but JEEZ i so don't want to do it. ohh well it needs to be done and really it makes me feel good to help imogene's family out like this.

well i gotta go sweep the floors and put away clothes.

well SHIT

2007-08-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

pardon my language, but you all know i cus when i am frustrated or sad or pissed off or what have you.

imogene had a stroke yesterday when i was with her. either she had it before i got there or was having it when i was there. it's so sad, i am so sad. this was the last thing that i wanted for her. i was hoping and praying that this wouldn't happen. that she would live the remainder of her days being able to speak and possibly just pass in her sleep. i am sooo sad. i am trying so hard to think positive for her and for me. for me because today has been one month since my nephew got his wings and because well i really just need to be positive to keep my sanity.

i knew she was having a stroke yesterday. she had no use of her right arm and the time that i was there (which was about 1.5 hours) her speach got worse and worse. i just wanted to cry but i didn't. i went and got the nurse because i was concerned and the nurse saw and said what my fears were. she couldn't totally say that imogene had a stroke because she isn't a dr but that was her suspicion.

today when i saw her, her speach was worse. her speach therapist came in and told me to ask yes or no questions. she said that i could ask open ended questions but not to expect much. it hurts so bad to watch someone you love, who has been so strong even though she is old to be reduced to THIS!!!!!!!! i stayed with her for over an hour and i got her to smile a lot but i could tell she was getting so frustrated. at one point she said "pissed off" because she is so mad that she is still alive and had now had a stroke. it broke my heart to see her like this. she can't tell that she is going to the bathroom anymore. the room was stinky so i asked if she had gone to the bathroom and she said no (she is very open about this kind of thing) so i asked if she was sure and she gestured for me to check. so i checked and sure enough she had gone and didn't know it :( i am not sure how long she had been in her own crap but it was very sad for me. so i promptly let the cna's know that she needed to be changed.

all of this just sucks but i am so happy that i am there for her. i love her so much. she is like my gramma (my gramma for the short time that i was around her was not very nice). this really hurts bad but i know i can handle it. i really don't want her to be in any pain or discomfort and i really don't want her to be alone when she passes. i hope that they call me if anything changes

a few lo's and a reading box

2007-08-17T07:06:00.001-07:00

this lo is ashley's second trip to the park but her first trip with me. the top pic has another pic underneath (like a little book) and the left hand pic has the same thing LOL

TWO lo's so far in the album i am making about imogene and her flowers and such. the top one is a morning glory, I LOVE MORNING GLORY'S as long as they are no where near my house LOL they are very aggressive. The lo below is jasmine that she has all over her fence. It's not star jasmine, just regular jasmine. I love the smell of star jasmine better.

And ashley's reading box. she gets these little paper books and they all go in this box and she practices them everyday.

where i am

2007-08-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

mentally. well i don't know where i am at LOL. i have all of these feelings that kinda get all jumbled together kwim? i feel very sad, pissed off, confused, forced, fake, lonely, confused (oh wait i said that already). really i don't know what i am feeling. i am watching imogene die. i miss my sis, i miss my nephew liam, i am gonna miss imogene. money sucks ass. i am so tired. i miss my life.

okay lets see if i can put some order to this. i think about liam all the time even though i hardly ever bring him up. every tuesday and wednesday is very hard because every week those two days are reminders that i am never gonna meet him. okay i won't meet him for a long long time. what goes through my head? well i try to think of what he would want me to do. would he want me to be happy and enjoy the life that i do have? i would think so. that is what i am trying to do. talking about him or bringing him up hurts so much. that is why i don't. i think of him often though. i think of what his life is like up with auntie shellie and gramma ohme. i think of what he is doing up there. laughing, playing, giggling and looking down on us hoping that some day we will be happy and know and accept that he is in good hands. this is what i think about. it brings a smile to my face and makes me feel stronger. when my sister brings him up i do talk about him and listen even though it hurts so bad. i know that she is at a different stage of grief and well we are grieving differently anyway. for one he was her baby. i miss hearing about my live nephews and seeing pics of them and well i just miss our old life. it makes me so sad and mad that we have all been put through so much this past year.

for instance, i have an appt next week for ashley's itp hemo doc. her disease is always in the back of my head. when ever she gets a bloody nose or i see bruises i freak out on the inside. its always there. never goes away. i hope and pray everyday that she never relapses EVER. the fear of her dying is still very fresh like it was yesterday.

i also am always thinking of kaiden and his poor pancreas. he isn't gaining weight still (not losing, but still not gaining). why isn't he gaining? this can't keep going on. there has got to be a reason or something. i know the reason is his pancreas but is there more? i would think that his enzymes would have helped by now.

i feel fake because i am faking and putting on a front of this positive attitude and that things will get better. i know they will but when? i guess i feel that if i stay positive and smiling and laughing and just talk about the good things in our lives that it will feel better. it does but it doesn't last long kwim? hard to explain i guess.

i hate watching imogene die. it's so hard, harder then you can imagine. she doesn't want me crying, so when i see her i laugh and make her laugh and then i leave feeling so alone. i want her to be happy and i want what she wants. i just hate that she has given up but at the same time i understand. she is 88 yrs old for crying out loud. today's meeting went well, i bawled and felt like a dork but they were very understanding. imogene has told them that i am supposed to know everything so i was put on the list of ppl to notify if she is going to pass. i don't want her to be alone when she goes and i am the closest person to her so i can zip on down there and just be with her when she passes. she is starving to death. i know it's not going to be pretty, but god i hope she feels no pain and that she passes in her sleep or something.

on top of all this i am still dealing with money issues. i need to be looking for another job but i am so wrapped up in being there for imogene and my family that i just haven't had the energy or desire to do so. i've got the paperwork mostly filled out to get help with our mortgage but i have questions and they won't talk to me till they put the damned thing that i faxed to them on file. i want to get this done and over with. i had to spend 308 bucks the day before yesterday to get my tax info, and get homeowners and auto insurance. i am trying to save as much as i can for our septembers mortgage but at this rate i don't know how that is gonna happen. ohh well, it will work out right? i hope so. i need to find another job dammit. i really don't want to though till after imogene passes.

soo there ya have it. i think that pretty much sums up everything going on in my head. no wonder i am tired all the flippin time.

SOME PICTURES

2007-08-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

that i wanted to share. this is imogene. isn't she sweet and cute? the dress she is wearing is her favorite dress and it looks so good on her. she is so cute LOL. she didn't want me taking her pics so she hid the gift bag over her face. that didn't stop me from taking pics though LMAO.

here is her son willy (bill) helping me clean out the shed cuz i am scared of spiders LMAO. he came to my rescue LOL I REALLY REALLY REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO CLEAN THAT SHED OUT LOL.

HERE ARE ALL OF HER PRETTY FLOWERS THAT I TOOK CARE OF SO THEY WOULDN'T DIE. she loves her garden so much and she used to have VERY beautiful flowers that i saw pictures of. her garden was my pride and joy because i knew that she loved them all so much and i knew that if any of them died she would be heartbroken because she couldn't care for them herself anymore.

and here is the bird feeder that i made sure had food in so she had her birides to watch.

IMOGENE

2007-08-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

isn't gonna make it :( she isn't eating at all (well she ate her favorite candy bar that i brought her) and just wants to die. i know that she isn't coming home. i am so sad. i can't believe how fast this all happened. i mean two weeks ago she was fine and now she looks so bad and is so weak. my heart is broken. i hope and pray that she goes peacefully in her sleep. i don't want to see her waste away to nothing and suffer at all. i am gonna miss her so much. i'm visiting her everyday and everyday she looks worse. she has thrush from the antibiotics from when she had pneumonia. this sucks.

i went and saw her today and the social worker was there and when i came in she got a big smile and reached for my hand and it brought tears to my eyes. the social worker said "ohh this must be someone special" and imogene nodded and then looked at me and smiled. this is soooo hard. i just can't get over how fast she went down hill. i know she is just tired and wants to die and she will be at peace. i don't want anyone telling me that cuz i already know that. i love her so much and this hurts like hell. she wants me to take her dog to the pound and start moving her stuff out of her house and start looking into a long term care facility. she only has 20 days in the extended care part of the hossy. i wonder if she will last 20 days? i hope not if she isn't eating. that would be horribly sad. i don't want to take her poor dog to the pound. chichi (her dog) is imogenes dog and no one elses. i wish i could take her home with me, but she is so unpredictable. dyllan and ashley know that they can't touch her and stuff cuz you never know when she is gonna snap but i have my dogs and so many little kids coming and going from my home that there is just no way that i could take her. ohh well, if chichi gets put down and then imogene dies at least they will be together.

UGGH, to much has happened TOO MUCH, i know that i will be just that much stronger BUT DAMMIT i am sick of this crap. too much grieving, to much scariness (ashley getting sick), too much money problems. JUST TOO MUCH.

i can't even describe how i am feeling.

i love you imogene, forever baby, george, and david.

you know about imogene and our forever baby. here is a little bit about george and david.

george was 89 when he died. i was living with him when i was 15 because we were homeless because my mom was a junkie. he was a neighbor of ours that we had met before we became homeless. i met him when i was 14 and we used to walk to the store together with heather and joe. he was deaf and taught me sign language and was an awesome awesome man. i loved him so much and he was there for me when i needed someone the most. then one day in the morning i am getting ready for school and he said his chest hurt. i wanted to stay home with him and make sure that he got to the doctor. he signed that he was fine and that i needed to go to school and the he would go to the doc. so off to school i went. i was worried about him all day and couldn't wait to get back home. so i got back home to his friend signing to me that he had died. i couldn't believe it and kept saying NO he was going to the doctor. he kept signing to me over and over and i wouldn't believe it. he finally wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it in front of my face to read. i was crushed. i didn't know what to do. i loved him so much. i felt so much guilt cus i shoulda stayed home and got him to the doc. i wondered around the streets for a couple hours and then my mom came driving up and i left with her, homeless in a car and having lost my best friend, my adopted grandpa.

i met david when i was 16 at one of my mom's friends house. he was a good guy. very caring and had a good heart. he was my first love even though he was much older then me. he had a disease called gamborray (sp?) and it crippled him and when i met him he was on the road to recovery. when i left the home (the 15ft trailor that my mom, baby brother and i were living in) and moved in with one of my moms friends because i just couldn't be with my mom anymore and be the mom of my little brother. i had to take a step forward. anyway i didn't last long at those ppl's house because they were not GOOD so david took me in and helped me in so many ways. anyway we both helped each other and then went our own ways but were still very good friends because we both helped each other feel more confident about ourselves. about a yr later i got a phone call from two good friends that i met through him that he had died of a heart attach. i couldn't believe it, he was so young, only 47yrs old. i was crushed, he was my first love (no we never had sex). he helped me to get on my feet and be free from my mom. i don't know where i would be today if he hadn't been there when he was.

i know what it feels like to lose loved ones and it hurts so bad. i loved them all with all of my heart. i hope and pray imogene goes peacefully and i don't want her to be alone when she goes.

what has been going on lateley

2007-07-31T18:18:00.000-07:00

well we are officially 30 days late on our mortgage and we have 100 bucks in the bank and i will be lucky if that makes us through the week with jason having to drive 30 minutes to and from work. jason is gonna call our mortgage now that we are officially 30 days late and see if they can help us. god i hope they can. i hope they give us a 2 month grace period. if they do that then we can catch up on everything and save enough money for the following month's mortgage. i am so stressed out it is insane.

last friday i went to work and had to call 911 for imogene because all week she has been really really weak and it was getting worse and worse. i kept trying to get her to go in but she kept saying NO. sooo friday was the last straw. i got there after going to gleaners for her and she was in the hallway trying to make it to the bathroom and was leaning against the wall and barely hanging on to the railing. so i practically had to carry her to the bathroom. once i got her there i called her neighbor and she informed that she called 911 the night before and imogene refused to go to the hossy. so i got off of the phone with her and told imogene that i was calling 911 and that she had to go in for chi chi (her dog) and that if she died who would take care of her? i was bawling at this point because i was so scared that she was going to die. so she agreed to go and me and the two ambulance ppl helped her out of the door and onto the gerny (sp?).

so i grabbed her meds and went to the hossy. turns out she had pneumonia and her potassium was really really low. she is still at the hossy and i have no job till she gets out. i go and visit her everyday. this totally sucks because we are sooo broke and so hurting for money that i can't afford this time off while she is in there and IT SUCKS because i love her so much and don't want her to die. i don't know what to do at this point. should i go and find another client? because i don't know when she is going to die? uggh i don't want to find someone else. i love her so much.

so much has happened this last year and i am sooo ready for things to turn around and get better.

i spent the weekend with my sis and it was so nice to be there. we laughed and cried and just sat and talked and worked on the baby's memorial web page. i slept with her and we cuddled LOL i wub my sis so much. i'm so tired and sad of all this stress and sadness. i wish my sis was still pregnant with my nephew. i so wanted to be able to love on him and snuggle him and kiss him. i still find myself thinking of things to by for him and my sis. drives me nuts and makes me so sad when i think of that.

OMG lmao i almost caught both of our vans on fire LOL on sunday when it was time for me to go home we both got in our vans because she needed to go to the store and get some money back to give me for gas because of how broke i am. sooo we go out and her battery is dead. at first i didn't want to try and jump the van LOL but soon realized that wasn't gonna fly because she still needed to get to the store for diapers and wipes, sooo i think, okay i can do this LMAO and hook the cables up and i THINK i have them on right LMAO when i hooked the negative on to heathers van it SPARKED so we jumped and stepped back LMAO so then i say OKAY LETS TRY THIS AGAIN, so i did get it on there with minimal sparks lol. so then i start my van up and heather says THE CABLES ARE SMOKING LMAO, so i shut the van off and pull the cables off and think that will stop the smoking........NOPE they kept smokin LMAO so heather grabbed hers off and OMG the wires were melting on the cables and it almost melted through her very important cables on her van LOL. sooo we go to her neighbors house and he comes and tests the cables and they are still okay so he connects them up the RIGHT WAY and we get her van started and then he checks her battery date and it was 5 yrs old so off to the battery store we went. well the stupid jerks there said they wouldn't put the battery in for us. so we left the van there and walked to walgreens and came back and tried to start her van. well it wouldn't start, battery dead again. so i go in and let them know we needed a jump. so the guy comes out and tries to jump it with this battery thing and the clamps wouldn't clamp on to her battery cuz its a side mounted battery. so he goes in and then NEVER comes back out, we were waiting and waiting and the hot ass heat which felt like forever, right about the time that i was gonna go back in there, a guy came out and got in his jeep and then backed it up to the van and gave us a jump. i thought that was so sweet. so then off my sis went and off i went. i so didn't want to go though. i wished i coulda stayed with her because neils was gone and she was cramping and bleeding and just plain old sad.

a song that my mom used to sing us kids when we were little

2007-07-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

she learned it when she was little at camp. she has no idea who wrote it, but i absolutely love it

I KNOW A PLACE

I know a place, where no one ever goes.
There is peace and quiet, beauty and repose.
It's hidden in a valley beside a mountain stream,
and lying there beside the stream, i find that i can dream,
only of things of beauty to the eye,
snow peaked mountains towering to the sky.
now i know that god has made this world for me.

One can imagine himself as in a dream,
climbing up a mountain or down a small ravine.
The beauty of this peace and quiet always shall stay,
to make this place a haven for each and every day.
ohh how i wish i never had to leave,
and all my life such beauty to receive.
now i know that god has made this world for me.

i keep singing this and it makes me feel better

a dream i had on 7-16-07

2007-07-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

i went to bed around my normal time, which was about 9pm or so. zonked out pretty fast and was sleeping really good until i woke up from this dream crying, wondering what i had done wrong to cause this.

my dream was about my baby watermelon. it was finally ready to be picked and my family all wanted to eat it with us, so i invited them all over for a bbq and watermelon. so i picked it and we cut into it and my heart sank because it was all black and dead inside and i was so confused. i didn't understand what i did to kill it. i took such good care of it and gave it love everyday, pulled weeds, made sure it had water, and it was dead. i started crying in my dream and kept asking my mom what i did wrong. she kept saying that i didn't do anything wrong that sometimes these things happen but that didn't make me feel any better and i just kept crying and crying till i woke myself up from crying so hard. when i looked at the clock it was 3:30 in the morning and i couldn't go back to sleep. that dream just would not leave me and every time i thought of the possibility of my watermelon being dead i would get all teary because of how hard i have worked to make sure that it is okay.

so at 4 am i got up because i just couldn't get back to sleep. so i played on the net and as soon as the sun came up i went out to my garden and picked my watermelon up and kept asking myself, are you dead inside? no you aren't, you can't be. yes one might ask why a person would care so deeply about a stupid watermelon LOL but i do, because i have worked so hard to keep all of my vegitables and fruits alive and my watermelon was cute when it was first growing.

anyway i came back in and played on the net some more till 7 am and then called my mom and told her about my dream. then my sis and i were iming each other talking about her doc appt and other stuff and that she was nervous about going. i reassured her that everything was gonna be fine. BOY WAS I WRONG....................I KNEW as soon as she called me bawling, telling me that the baby had died, that that was what my dream was about. my watermelon was her baby and all the things i felt about my watermelon and the questions i had was the way she was feeling at a much more intense degree.

we were both crying and then her cell cut out. she called me right back at schelley's house cuz she had to pick up the boys and then asked me to call bonniemom, jerrydad, lyledad and suesue. she was sooo sad and heartbroken that there was no way she could call them.
so i sadly made those phonecalls, and it was sooo hard to do. i couldn't do it without crying.

i hate my dream that i had. my mom instantly knew what my dream was about and what it represented.

THIS SUCKS

my heart aches

2007-07-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

i wrote this poem today in memory of my sweet baby niece or nephew.

My Heart Aches

My heart aches to hold you dear,
to kiss your little face and nibble your ear.

To smell your sweet baby scent,
to hear your sweet cries, your first giggle and your first smile.

I love you so much and it breaks my heart that I will never
be able to meet you and hold you,
and to be the auntie that I wanted to be for you.

I am gonna miss getting that burp out when noone else can,
and changing those poopy diapers just because I can.

I will miss the baby turrets that I get, and the pit in my tummy,
and me wanting to just SQUEEZE you till I heard that cute little grunt.

I dreamed of the day that I would see you be born.

I dreamed of the laughter and the joy that you would bring to this world.

I dreamed of watching you grow older and of cousin dyllan and Ashley playing with you.

I dreamed of what you would look like.

Would you have your momma’s eyes, your daddy’s ears? Ethan’s lips? Kaiden’s smile?

I dreamed of all these things and I still do,
I love you so much my sweetie, cutie pie.

Love you with all of my heart,
your bestest auntie

i am sooo sad

2007-07-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

my sister miscarried and i feel so lost. i know there isn't much i can do except be there for her and cry with her and hold her and just listen. i love my sister sooo much and i hate that she (we) are going through this. i can't imagine what she is feeling because i am sure she is feeling much worse then i am. i know its silly to say but i feel like i lost a baby too. i am devastated and there isn't a damned thing i can do about it. i can't believe this is happening, it feels like a dream and that we will wake up from it soon. this is my sister, my baby sister. i took care of her when she was a baby and took her in when she was 16. I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH and i hate this. i can't believe it. THIS SUCKS AND I AM SOOO MAD. she shouldn't have to go through this, NONE OF US SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS. she kept saying over and over, i have a dead baby inside of me, a perfect dead baby. we cried and cried yesterday.

when sue and i first got there we all cried and hugged and then we just talked with little cries. then neils had to go get her cytotech (sp? to soften her cervix) and while he was gone i just started bawling and telling her that i loved her and she just let loose, i held her for a long time and we both just cried and she cried so hard and was talking about everything she was feeling inside. I HATE THIS, why did this happen? what caused it to happen? what was the sex? i have a perfect dead baby inside me. she was saying all the things that i was thinking but wasn't saying because i don't want to say the wrong things. I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH, MY BABY SISTER, THIS IS HAPPENING TO MY BABY SISTER!!!!!!!

neils is being strong but he is sooo heartbroken as well. i gave him a hug and just held him and he started crying. i know he is holding it in to be strong for heather.

i hate what has to happen today. she is sooo scared that she is gonna start expelling the baby before the D&C. she doesn't want to see her baby in the toilet. she is sooo scared that that is what is going to happen. god, i hope that she doesn't see that. please just keep him in there until 6pm tonight. I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK.

i feel so lost right now................... i wish i lived in the same town as she does. i wish this never happened.............why did this happen?....................what was wrong? I AM SOOOO PISSED OFF!!!!!!!

2007-07-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

here are tons of pics that i took of my garden this morning. i can't believe how big it has gotten and i haven't used miracle gro in over a month. so far i have been able to pick zucchini, crookneck squash, tons of peas, hot peppers, green beans and some tomatoes. my watermelon should be ready pretty soon because it is getting huge. anyway i used picassa to post the pics and i can only post four pics at a time when i use that so that is why there are numerous posts LOL. OHH and i posted pics of my lovely bees that keep my garden growing and happy.

2007-07-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

2007-07-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

2007-07-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

2007-07-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

TAGGED MY JANE

2007-07-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

7 random facts about me

1) well i am the most impatient person that i know LOL. i hate waiting, that includes waiting on docs, waiting for time to pass, waiting for ppl to show up, WAITING IN GENERAL. you know the saying that mom's are supposed to be patient? well somehow i was NOT included in that one LOL because i have ZERO patience and especially when it comes to waiting.

2) like jane, i am an animal lover, and if i was rich i would have a TONS of property and a huge staff and adopt all the abused animals in the world. yah sure they would get on my nerves BUT i still would love them to death LOL.

3) I LOVE BABIES, not a huge fan of kids LOL i know i know that makes no sense LOL. see babies are soo easy compared to older kids that can talk back and throw fits and push and test you to your last nerve. when i had dyllan i LOVED being pregnant and i loved having a tiny baby to cuddle (okay he wasn't so tiny LOL 8lbs 11oz's and 21 3/4 inches long lol) so much that i actually thought about being a surrogate LOL. i knew that i didn't have enough patience to deal with a lot of kids but i loved being pregnant I MEAN I LOVED IT, i cherished every ache, every pain, every move, every flutter.

4) i can say that i am a very strong person who has been through a lot with life in general, especially as a kid growing up with drug addicts. i made it through and because of all those experiences i have a strong will and personality. of course the downside to that is i come off a bit strong sometimes and sometimes ppl get taken aback with me. ohh well i am who i am LOL.

5)OHH lets see........a huge fault that i have is that i CUSS lol. yes i know, bad bad bad. i have tried stopping and believe me i have reduced my foul mouth down quite a bit, and maybe when i am in my 60's i will not cuss anymore LOL. so there ya have it. if i am mad or frustrated or sad then i cuss LOL ohh well i am who i am and if you don't like it then bug off.

6) let's see, i am sensitive and i do get my feelings hurt and somewhat easily LMAO not sure if others know that about me or not, since i always seem so strong and independant. when i am hurt i will do one of two things, i will either go have a good cry, or i get really pissed off at whoever hurt me and let them have it. (the second part is not a good idea because then i say things that i don't mean, so i usually just try to cry it out and then talk to that person calmly and rationally about what they did to hurt me etc etc)

7) ohh i am very honest, sometimes a little to honest and i don't think before i speak. my hubby once told me that i use my honesty like a blunt instrament. so needless to say that ever since he said that to me i always TRY to watch what i say and to choose my words carefully. i also think that every one has choices in life and i can't stand the blame game. ohh i am this way because of my parents or yada yada yada, you know what i mean right? life is full of choices and you do with it what you will.

okay so there ya have it LOL that is me in a nutshell LOL

I tag, jill, heather, sandra, lisa (liway), mel, sue and shellye

GREAT NEWS

2007-07-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

JASON HAS A NEW JOB. yup he sure does LOL. Berg electric is hiring him and his schooling will be through WECA and will be paid for by Berg electric. the only thing we have to cover is books, and my momma said she would cover that. He interviewed today with Mark (the main guy for Berg electric) and took a math test and only missed ONE on it and then took a pee test (which of course he will pass) and next wednesday has a second interview (more of a formality then anything) and then i think he starts work next thursday or friday. OHH OHH OHH this job has FULL FAMILY MEDICAL BENEFITS we have NEVER EVER HAD THAT BEFORE i am sooo happy especially with my back and joints being what they are. ohh and we will have a pension starting, I AM SOOO STOKED. the medical stuff starts 30 DAYS from when he is hired, WAHOOOOO BABY I AM SOOO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. i love my man SOOO MUCH, HE IS DA BOMB I TELL YOU.

of course we are still screwed with our mortgage because by the time he gets a pay check we will have gone THREE WEEKS with out pay. yes i have my work checks but i only make 650 a month. BUT i am not going to stress (who am i kidding) and everything will work out. THEY HAVE TO. i know that HUD will help us but we have to be in trouble with mortgage first to get the help, since i will not be able to make the payment this month then i guess that qualifies AS TROUBLE LMAO.

sooo there is the update, not sure what HUD will do to help us because our mortgage lady wouldn't give us any information about that since we aren't officially in trouble yet.

LIFE SUCKS

2007-07-11T09:09:00.001-07:00

yup it does, yes i hate bitching, but here i am. i am gonna do just that BITCH (sorry for the language)

okay life has been going down hill ever since ashley got sick. when she got sick we were obviously dealing with her illness we ended up paying the mortgage late and had a late fee on it. OOPSIE. so of course life continues with the struggles and jason's BOSS didn't turn in jason's time sheet to the accountant ppl so we went almost a week with out his check. MIND YOU we live paycheck to paycheck sooo we still needed gas, food etc. sooo we went negative and accrued overdraft charges and set us back 220 bucks. GREAT now how the hell are we gonna catch up. sooo because of that i had to wait for another weeks pay before i could pay the mortgage and of course it was late and we get another late fee. WAHOOOO BOY IS THIS FUN. sooo mind you we are still behind, couldn't pay all of my pge bill and end up with a 48 hour notice, sooo i get help to pay that and think OKAY now i can catch up since i am not having to pay that RIGHT? WRONG, jason didn't work at all last week or this week GREAT NOW HOW THE F*** AM I GONNA PAY THE MORTGAGE? we have 39 dollars in the bank, my mortgage is due and we won't be getting a check for jason this week or next week. OHH YAH WHAT FUN!!! so now jason applied for unemployment of course that takes a while. we NEED food desperately and i will be going to the food banks to get food. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS i feel like a BUMB having to do this shit.

OUR MORTGAGE is due NOW and if we don't pay by the 16th then we have yet ANOTHER late fee attached to it. sooo jason is calling them and then he is calling HUD to see if there is help for us there.

he does have an interview tomorrow in sacramento (how are we gonna pay for the gas?) to get a prevailing wage job. I HOPE AND PRAY THAT HE GETS IT. we are sinking and we are sinkin FAST. my water bill is due and has been due for the last two months but we haven't been able to pay it, wouldn't surprise me if i get a disconnect notice SOON.

ohh well i guess i have my garden to keep us overflowing with tomatoes, peppers and squash LMAO

I HAVE A NEW HOBBY LOL

2007-06-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

gardening, I JUST LOVE IT, it is soooooo rewarding. i love watching everything grow and it is sooooo awesome to go out there one day and not see any veggies and then go out there the next day and see little baby ones. i just think they are soooo CUTE LMAO, yes i am a nut but i think that everyone already knows that about me so i don't need to keep quiet about my nuttiness anymore LMAO.

here are some cute baby pics of my cute garden LMAO

MY BABY WATERMELONS LOL aren't they cute?

and this is another baby watermelon, see how they are all fuzzy? they do grow like that to keep the bugs off. i just think that is soooo COOL.

here is a baby cucumber growing LOL

the cucumber is the long bumpy thing with the flower on the end, it is also very fuzzy.

HAVE I SAID HOW MUCH I LOVE GARDENING? LMAO

okay okay with a little help from my friend sandra.............

2007-06-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

i am now updating my blog LMAO.

okay sooo where to start. i know LIFE IS GOOD. ashley's counts are still doing AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. they are holding at 252,000. i think that she is in remission now. WOOOHOOOO. YES LIFE IS GOOD.

OKAY sooo on that note, about two months ago my friend lori gave us a link to sunkist lemonaide stands. they were giving away 10,000 lemonaide stands for kids who want to raise money for worthy causes. sooo i of course signed up cuz it was shortly after ashley was diagnosed with ITP. sooo i finally got the stand a couple weeks ago. well my sis came over a week ago and popped in a movie, well when i came out from the kitchen this is what came on

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7949921451942737361

needless to say i BAWLED like a baby and was calling her names LOL (all in love of course LMAO). anyway she has a portable dvd player and we are gonna play that with the stand, so that ppl will know what ITP is and hopefully donate more. then all the proceeds are gonna go to ITP RESEARCH so we can learn, hopefully, more about it and what causes it and some day find a cure for those ppl and kids that have the chronic from of ITP.

OKAY sooo enough of that LOL

ASHLEY LEARNED HOW TO RIDE HER BIKE. soooo i will just let the pics explain them all LMAO

NOW DOES THIS PIC SAY IT ALL OR WHAT? I LOVE THIS PIC, I MEAN I LOVE IT LMAO.

she looks like she is saying I AM A BAAAADDDDD ASSSSSS LMAO.

and to be in a TUTU lmao is freakin PERFECT LMAO

here is another pic of her riding her bike.

I SUBMITTED THE BLACK AND WHITE PIC TO A PHOTO CONTEST LOL i wonder if i will place LOL

guess what i did? I PLANTED A GARDEN. i love it, its getting sooo big and i can't wait till i can harvest all my goodies.

here is a pic of when i planted

and here is a pic i took just this morning.

i have zuchini, crookneck squash, cucumber, peas, green beans, 6 tomatoe plants, watermelon, cantaloupe, 5 different types of bell peppers, and 5 different types of chile peppers.

NUMMY TO MY TUMMY LMAO

some days i just want to cry

2007-05-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

this whole ITP thing with ashley has turned my normal world upside down. i know it will get better but knowing that she will always have this DOES not make it any easier. YAH she can go into remission but it that is exactly what that means REMISSION=NOT GONE FROM HER BODY. it can always come back and KILL her OR cause her to have to deal with CRAP that i AS her mother DO NOT want her to deal with. i don't want her to have to go in for weekly, biweekly or monthly treatments, for that matter i don't want the FEAR of it coming back if she is in remission. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. WHAT THE FUCK DID WE EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT?

okay granted it could be alot worse, IT COULD BE CANCER, but so far that we know thankfully it isn't, not that it still doesn't cross my mind because we are sooo newly diagnosed and have never seen a hemo. now i know that since she responded soo AWESOMELY to the IVIG that that means that it is in fact ITP but as a parent i sometimes wonder. I HATE THIS.............the fear, the worry the wondering what will come next. will she go into remission? or will she plummet 2 months, 4 months or 2 yrs down the road? will she die from this?

these are things that i am thinkin CONTINUOUSLY and i swear in my head i am going insane and so is jason. last night we were both up more then half the night worrying all because ashley had off and on again little bloody nose for the last three days. well she never had a bloody nose before this WHOLE ITP crap. soooo we were scared, now granted it wasn't like it was when she was diagnosed with ITP but never the less it scared us. soooo i didn't get to sleep till after midnight, if you want to call that sleep and jason was still awake after one am, how do i know? well i was half awake and every time he moved i opened my eyes and saw him awake. all over a stupid ASS bloody nose that turned out to be caused by allergies. ohh how do i know? well i took her in today after talking to her doc and her platelet count was at 353K. sooooo all that worry and stress for nothing WHICH I AM THANKFUL FOR, but my fear is that i will get LAX in this whole thing and then she DROPS BIG and i lose her to an uncontrollable bleed. have i said that I HATE THIS? because i do.

i don't want to get lazy in looking for signs and symptoms but at the same time it is soooo draining LOOKING for signs and symptoms. I SWEAR I AM GOING NUTS, NUTS I TELL YOU.

ashley had

2007-04-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

a little bloody nose today and boy did i get nervous. she hasn't had one since but boy have i been watching her. i sooo don't want to go through that again. i know that they can do something for it but it is still so nerve wracking. next thursday she gets her platelets checked again, i just hope that she doesn't drop again because i don't want to go through that again. the main fear with her platelets being that low is an internal bleed and them not being able to stop it. i hate this. i have never been a scared parent, you know, nervous about every little thing but i feel like that now. i feel like i am bugging her soo much even though she probably doesn't even notice when i am checking her over at bath time to see if she has any excessive bruising or spots. i cannot wait until these 6 months have passed and we know for sure or not if she has the accute form of ITP or the chronic form.

ohh and to top all of this crap off my sweet sweet baby nephew might have cystic fibrosis. i am sooo scared for him. he is only almost 20 months old. for sure we know that he has pancreatic enzyme deficiancy and he takes enzymes with every meal to help him digest the foods and not be in sooo much pain.

anyway they did two sweat tests one being 41 and the other one being 30. my sis said that depending on who you go by either number is borderline for CF. anyway at the last dr's appt the lung specialist gave them a bunch of information on it, most of it saying that more then likely he has CF. this is what my sis wrote regarding what the pulmary doc said

"This update is about his last hospital visit to stanford.

ok, the sweat test number was 30 this time. They like to have 2 numbers. so they have 30 and 41.

depending on who you ask, 30-60 is borderline, or 40-60 is borderline.

Eitherway, he ordered the full panel genetics test which is what we have been wanting, YAY!!!

90% of ppl with pancreatic enzyme deiciency (which kaiden has) have CF.

You have to have 2 genes to have CF. he said there is a 1% chance that he HAS CF but no mutations show up on the panel because they are still unknown. If that happens they will do other tests like throat cultures, and if those come back positive, than he has CF.

There is a 20% chance that he has CF but only one gene shows up. In that case he would be labeled with CF (not a carrier) because he has the pancreatic insufficiency. and carriers dont exhibit symptoms. so one gene would be unknown.

Thats pretty much it. 2-4 wks for the results of the gene test "

anyway he got the full genetics testing done the day after (or was it two days after) easter. so right now we are just waiting and waiting and waiting. i feel like this has been going on FOREVER and i know that i am sick of it and since i am dealing with ashley's thing i KNOW that heather and neils are sick of waiting too.

here is a link about cystic fibrosis
http://www.cff.org/AboutCF/

PLEASE SEND ALL THE GOOD AND POSITIVE THOUGHTS THAT YOU HAVE TO OUR FAMILY and if you believe in god then PLEASE PRAY FOR US TOO.

I'M A 38 OR 41

2007-04-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

Depending on how well i know someone with regards to question 3 LOL

Here you go. Try this! Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil
scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting!Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. DON'T PEEK, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today . It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.Ready??

NO PEEKING AT THE SCORES UNTIL YOU ARE DONE WITH THE TEST
Begin.
1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon & and
early evening c) late at night
2. You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the
world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly
3. When talking to people you..... a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on
your hips d) touch or push the person to
whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your
chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with.... a) your knees bent with your legs
neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you.....a) make a loud entrance so everyone
notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking
around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying
to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are.... a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on
your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6 (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever,
gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking
after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

well i guess i haven't posted in a while LOL

2007-04-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

a lot has been going on and i have no idea where to begin. sooo i guess i will start with my hubby's job. he loves it the only bad thing is that he works out of town a lot. he was just gone for the week and home on weekends but then they got another job in salt lake city utah. soooo the plan was for him to be gone three weeks, then home for four days then gone for 3-4 weeks and then home and then i don't know after that LOL my guess would be is that it would go back to the other routine of being gone one week and home on the weekends.

dyllan, ashley and i were handling it okay, i mean i don't care for being a single mom but thank god i have loving family around me LOL the first weekend that jason was away, my mil and fil took the kids for me for the whole weekend and OMG did i enjoy myself. okay so you might of thought that i would have just been lazy and relaxed and done ABSOLUTELY nothing right? WRONG LOL see i can never clean my house in peace anymore since i work in the mornings and pick ashley up before i even get off of work, sooo when i get home to clean i have her with me. well i don't like to clean with anyone in the house LOL so needless to say, i don't clean as much and as well as i used to. soooo while my kiddo's were up and the grandparents house i cleaned my whole house THOROUGHLY LOL and i enjoyed every minute of it. cleaning relaxes me as long as i can do it with out the kids there. man i miss not working LOL so that is what i did when my cute messy kids weren't here LOL pretty sad to most ppl but totally awesome for me LOL.

okay so we were done with him being gone two weeks and starting into the third week and jason was going crazy, AND I MEAN CRAZY he was soooo cranky it was unreal. i kept trying to get him to chill out but there was no talkin to him LOL. anyway saturday and sunday pass and then monday comes and ashley and i head off to work at imogenes (spring break for her) and around 10 she starts getting this bloody nose. i didn't think anything of it because it wasn't a bad bloody nose just a little leak kwim? basically just filled her nose and then she would blow it out and such and then it would fill up again etc etc. i still didn't think anything about it because she has bad allergies and figured that her allergies were causing the bloody nose. okay so the day goes on and that evening i gave ashley a bath and washed her hair, and that is when i noticed these little flat looking blood blister type rash all over her belly, butt, back and legs and she had this HUGE bruise on her knee that i know she didn't have earlier. so at this point i am kinda freakin a little, and i don't freak out very often. so after talking with my wonderful friends on LP and SCRAPBOOKITWRIGHT that i should take her in the next day. so that was my plan, well on tuesday morning (i had her sleep with me because i was sooo nervous) i checked on her and she had even more spots AND TONS MORE BRUISING, so promptly at 7am i called and made an appt, they couldn't get us in till 2pm which sucked but ohh well what could i do. soo we go to work and i wait patiently (YAH RIGHT) for her appt. soo i take her in and the doc (her ped couldn't see her because she was booked) saw her and was surprised with all the bruising and spots. sooo he went to confir with ashley's pediatrician about what could be going on.

sidebar: when i showed up to the doc appt our insurance wasn't working and at first they weren't going to see us unless i paid cash. WELL I FLIPPED OUT started crying and saying that she needed to be seen. then i walked out to the bathroom and collected myself and came back, picked ashley up and showed them what was going on, so they had me sign something stating that i would be seen if i paid later or got the insurance figured out. boy was i pissed off there for a sec LOL

anyway the doc comes back, acutally i think he is a PA but not sure, anyway he comes in and says that they think that she has ITP (immune thrombocytopenic purpura) and that it is a platelet disorder and an autoimmune disease. so he orders blood work. so i take her down and get the blood work done after i picked dyllan up from school. she did really well. didn't flinch or cry or anything LOL she is sooo brave and strong and fearless. soooo i drive back home and try to get this insurance thing straightened out and as i am on the phone with him the doc calls so i asked him to hold on, the doc tells me that her platelets are only 3 (3000) out of 150-450 (000) i immediately started bawling because i knew what that meant, she could bleed out at any time. the doc told me to get right to the er and he would call so they would get us in right away. so i clicked over to my insurance person, of course i am still bawling and i tell him what is going on that this insurance stuff needs to get figured out NOW. he told me to calm down, that we have insurance it is just a comp glitch, he said for me not to worry and to get my daughter to the hossy right away. so that is what i did. my mil sue met me there thank god because i was a wreck.

so we get into the er room and the on call doc tells us what is going on and to make sure that she doesn't do anything at all and that they were consulting with a hemoncologist at uc davis. so that specialist calls back and says not to treat her, and we are sitting there going WTF what do you mean not treat her. soo the on call doc called a specialist at sutter childrens hospital and he said to treat. okay that made me feel better.

okay keep in mind that my poor wubby was out of town in utah. so now he is taking an emergency flight home because we had no idea what could happen. i felt like i could lose her at anytime and it was the most scariest thing that i had ever felt in my entire life and jason was feeling the same way. my mom and dad were on their way up as soon as they found out and my sis and bil said that they would take dyllan for us because he was VERY scared and thought his sister was gonna die. so it was best for him to go with them to get his mind off of this.

okay so a little bit later ashley's ped shows up, I LOVE HER LOL she didn't have to come because she wasn't on call but she did and i am sooo thankful for that. so she comes in and explains everything to us in great detail and gave ashley a thorough exam. she explained that what the treatment was and how it worked. the treatment is IVIG and it works by tricking the spleen to quit getting rid of the platelets. see what happens with ITP is that the antibodies get confused and start attaching the platelets, and then the spleen sees the platelets as bad and gets rid of them. so the IVIG was supposed to trick the spleen into not doing that. okay so this medicine is very hard to get a hold of. we got to the hossy at 4pm tuesday night and they weren't able to get the medicine until 9pm and hooked up to her by 10pm or something like that and we didn't get a room until almost 10:30, so we sat in that little er room from 4 until almost 10:30 LOL. now ashley was fine, you woulda had no idea that she was soooo sick if she didn't have all those horrible bruises and all of those red spots.

anyway we started the first treatment then got our room and then i layed down with her and snuggled and tried to get some shut eye and then my wubby came. boy was i sooo happy to see him. there was one mean nurse that tried saying that he couldn't stay and we were like SCREW YOU BITCH so we had jason sleep with ashley (you know visiting her) and i slept on the cot. the next morning they checked her platelets and they had dropped to 2000, well we were freakin again. dr valdez came in and said that we would do another treatment at full dose. sooo later that afternoon (wednesday) they started the next treatment, i think it was around 5ish that they started it. anyway at 4am thursday morning she started pukin with blood in it and OMG WERE JASON AND I SCARED. so they gave her phenigran but it didn't work and she kept pukin and one of the times she puked she GRABBED her head and jason and i got really really scared at that point, i mean we were thinkin of a brain bleed or something. the nurse kept checking her eyes and they were okay so we just had to wait for dr valdez to come, but in the mean time she got more blood drawn to see what her platelets were at and then we wait some more. okay so FINALLY at 830 dr valdez comes in and tells us that her platelets were at 26000 WOOHOOO BABY. we were so relieved LOL now granted that is still low and she still had to be very careful but hey it is way better then 3000 LOL now the way ashley was feeling was side affects of the medicine. so that made us breathe easier. anyway we got released that day (thursday) with the strict instructions that ashley had to be very careful, no running, jumping, climbing, skipping etc etc. soo we had a very lazy weekend LOL.

on monday she had another blood draw and her platelets are now up to 417000. hearing that news was the best news ever. we were all very excited and ashley said the cutest thing ever when i told her that she could play normally again, she said "NOW I CAN RUN TO YOU AND GIVE YOU A HUG" and then she did just that LOL it was sooo cute.

anyway its not over yet, we still have to monitor her platelets because the medicine usually lasts 3-6 weeks, sooo we go back in 2 weeks for another blood test and sometime soon a specialist should be calling me with an appt for us to go see him.

i will post pics in my next post of what her poor little bruised body looked like and how brave she was getting her iv and some hossy pics.

thanks for reading

i can't believe how long its been

2007-02-01T18:17:00.000-08:00

since i posted on here LOL. so much to say. well let me first start off by saying that we have started a new little forum LOL and i absolutely love it. still needs some work but i welcom you all to come check us out. right now we have six members, still waiting on our seventh member to join LOL. we started out as a yahoo group and then sue, my wonderful mil decided to pay for an actual message board and i must say it is sooooooooooooooo much nicer. the website is http://www.scrapbookitwright.com/forums/ i hope to see you all there. my mil, sue, is going to get a gallery this weekend and then my sis and i will play around with it and get it going. we are still learning LOL so please bear with us.

okay on to other news. my dear sweet daughter decided that she should cut her hair AGAIN LOL. yup she has done this before when she was three LOL last time she cut it she did a good job and i was able to just let it grow out. this time however i was not able to do so LOL her hair was down to the middle of her back. luckily she had enough to donate to locks of love LOL so that was nice. here are some before pics from when her hair was long and this pic doesn't even show how long it actually was because this was taken last august

and this is how short it is now LOL but boy is she cute.

i took her today to the salon to get it all the way fixed because a mom can only cut so well LOL. she loves her knew look and so do i.

okay on to scrappin LOL so here are a couple pages that i have done recently

i have also done more but they aren't uploaded to photobucket LOL so i will upload those later. okay so my dear sweet ashley is into scrappin now LOL and it is sooo stinkin cute. here is a little gift bag/box thing that she made and it has a story too LOL about a kid who is getting rained on.
the first side shows the poor kid getting rained on and blown in the wind. the second side shows the cloud that is raining on her, the third side shows her and the rainbow and that the rain is going away and the fouth side says "spring break" and has the sun. it was just sooo cute that she did it in a story

i thought this was pretty good for a little girl who just turned five LOL.

okay off to personal news. my doc and i decided that i am depressed. i have been feeling very down and crying at the drop of a hat and that my joints have been hurting because of this. that i manifest my depression in my joints and stuff. anyway it took a lot for me to admit this because i have such a huge fear of becoming my mother. which is NOT a good thing. anyway i am now on cymbalta and it has helped me immensely. i have only been on it a month and i already see a difference. i'm not as much of a roller coaster ride of emotions, i have more energy, i'm not crying all the time and i'm not snapping at the kids and hubby like crazy. i go back this coming tuesday to talk more with him and him needing to see how i'm doing etc etc.

well i guess that is about it.

ohh wait LOL my son's bday is tomorrow and he will be 11, holy cow where has the time gone LOL. this time 11 years ago i was in labor and in lots and lots of pain. ohh but he was soooo worth it. we are having his party on saturday and i sooo can't wait :D

2006-12-12T18:21:00.000-08:00

well my baby turned five. so anyway i thought i would give a try at making her a cake LOL i am not a very patient person and i have always sucked at decorating cakes but i figured i would give it a go anyway LOL. so that is exactly what i did. she picked out the barbie that she wanted which of course was cinderella LOL. so i started the cake on wednesday and baked 3 9in cakes and layered them then on thursday i did the decorating. well i wasn't all that happy with the decorating but ohh well LOL and left it on the counter over night thinking that it would be okay. i got up friday morning and found some finger swipes on the front of the cake and a huge chunk taken out of the back. i was sooo heart broken it was unreal. i just wanted to cry but couldn't because dh was home and would have surely teased me LOL i mean after all it was just a cake. okay so i could have handled this numerous ways LOL first i could have accused one of the kids of doing it but how do i do that with no proof and we do have a rat in the house, i have seen him. he is quite big but still a baby LOL i could tell because his fur was still fluffy. so i wasn't sure if the rat did it or one of the kids. i was pretty sure that ashley didn't do it because she was heartbroken as well when she got up, she woke up earlier then normal LOL. she wanted her cake to be all pretty for her party so i really doubted that she did it. well i had no proof that dyllan did it so i decided to be like a straw and just suck it up and redecorate LOL. so that is what i did on friday morning. i was glad that i did because i really liked the way the second decorations came out. i thought it was much better then the first, although it still wasn't perfect which is annoying to the perfectionist LOL but ashley loved it and that is all that matters LOL. so i stuck the cake in the fridge to keep it safe from the rat LOL. so on saturday morning i took the cake out so that it could warm up and not ten minutes after it was out i noticed, when i walked by, that half of the frosting on the very very bottom had been finger swiped. I THEN KNEW WHO THE CULPRIT WAS, i called dyllan in and said "WHY DID YOU SWIPE HER CAKE?" (Note: to any parents out there, if you KNOW that your child did something, do NOT ask if they did it, ask them why they did it, see if you ask them if they did it then more then likely they will lie to you because they don't want to get into trouble, so DO NOT give them the opportunity to lie) Dyllan then replied "because it is sooo good" boy was i pissed off at that boy. i was soo hurt that he could do that after all of my hard work and after i had already re done it. my dh sent him to his room. then ashley wanted to play the nintendo which is in his room and so they started playing, i then went in there and told him that he owed ashley and i an apology and that since he was sooo disrespectful of me and ashley that when his bday came around ashley could swipe his cake the day of his party. that was the best that i could come up with without spanking his butt. which is what i wanted to do. then when auntie heather and uncle neils came over i told them what he did right in front of him and embarrassed the crap right out of him which was a great punishment because no child wants their auntie's and uncles and grandparents thinking bad of them. he then ran to his room and crawled into bed. he stayed there for about 15 minutes when i went in there i asked if he was going to come out he said "as long as you don't tell anyone" i said " then maybe you shouldn't have been so mean and selfish to do something like that on his sis's bday and been so disrespectful" he apologized again LOL i had seriously thought about not letting him have any cake what so ever but then ashley wouldn't have had a great bday because dyllan would have been upset. so i think that i handled it well LOL and i don't think that he will be doing THAT again.

anyway ashley had a great bday and she loved all of her presents. her grandma bonnie and grandpa jerry sent her 40 bucks and she bought a doodlebear and a little castle house thing, she still has about 15 bucks to spend. grandpa lyle and grandma sue got her a scrapbooking kit with paper, scissors, glue, die cuts and stickers, jason and i got her a bratz doll, uncle tom and shiplee got her a scoobydoo vsmile game to go with her vsmile, auntie heather and uncle neils got her a brand new bike and schelley and tom got her a scrapbooking stamp collection with inks and markers and her friend shon gave her 5 bucks. OVER ALL SHE HAD AN AWESOME BDAY. i will post more pics in my next post :D

okay update

2006-12-01T17:03:00.000-08:00

so i had my dr's appointment today and apparently sometime in this last month or so i contracted mononucleosis. go figure LOL. he said that it was actually quite common and is a virus passed on like any other virus only this is through saliva. so i could have gotten it from someone coughing, sharing a drink, etc. he also said that ppl can have it and not even know it and that you can have it and not show symptoms. apparently it lasts 4-6 weeks and you show symptoms like a cold or worse. i never showed the cold like symptoms, just the fatigue. he also said that i probably was tired before that from stress and the hysterectomy that i had since i have been exhausted for a lot longer then 4-6 weeks. my thyroid looks good, only the t3 was slightly elevated but everything else was with in normal range. anyway it through me for a loop LOL since i had no idea of having mono LOL i mean how the hell did i get it, i guess from anywhere LOL who the hell knows. So anyway that is why i have been so exhausted lately, well that and stress and such. he also said that i should watch out for chronic fatigue syndrome because he said that mono can lead to that. okay LOL none of this explains my hair loss LOL although it has gotten better so that is good. sometimes i feel like i am just being a dork, which is why i don't go to docs LOL.

okay have i said that my hip has been poppin out LOL yes i feel like i am getting old LMAO. anyway when i was a baby, 2 yrs old i had to wear those braces from the knees to the shoes for being pigeon toed, anyway i have always been able to pop my right hip out, which never hurt and i quit doing the popping thing when i was in my very early twenties. well in my twenties my hips hurt, so i went to the doc and she said i had arthritis LOL go figure. anyway my hips hurt periodically and such, well lately, like over the past five months, my right hip started popping out on its own and talk about pain. i would scream it would hurt so bad. it would only hurt for a couple minutes. well then my hip started doing this a few times a day. just moving my foot from the gas pedal to the break pedal would pop my hip out and send me into excruciating pain. now it is at the point that it does this when ever i turn my foot to the side or what have you. anyway, i hate talking to docs about this because i feel like a big ole whiner LOL but my mom said that given my braces that i had to wear when i was a baby and such that my hip probably isn't sitting in my socket right etc etc kinda like hip dysplasia or what have you. so i decided to talk to him about this and he is ordering exrays and if that doesn't show anything then he will order a catscan and go from there. i don't feel like i am just whining to him LOL i talk to my hubby about this and he knows that i am not whining and my sis knows and so does my mil. i just get so weirded out by docs LOL especially when i know that other ppl have it worse then i do kwim? anyway my hips have given me problems for quite sometime and i guess its about time i do something about it LOL. thanks for listening

2006-11-19T07:08:00.000-08:00

this is page five in the wedding album. i am really loving how this is turning out. i think it is turning out beautiful and i am really loving doing a a frilly album LOL. I am so going to redo my wedding album LOL.

2006-11-17T17:50:00.000-08:00

okay here are pages 1,2,3 and 4 of the wedding album that i am working on for imogene. i am really loving them. although i feel like they are missing something and i may go back and add something to them LOL just don't know what. but i do love them so far and i love the colors. Luckily the colors that i am using go with her wedding pics. the bridesmaids dresses are a green color and the brides bouquett has little purple flowers in it.

anyway if any of you has any ideas on what i could add to each of these pages then please let me know LOL cuz i really do feel like they need something, i just don't know what LOL. these first two pages are a double lo. i would have posted the pic of them together but then you can't see it as well. so please be honest in how i am doing and any ideas are greatly appreciated :D

i've been tagged by Mel

2006-11-07T06:43:00.000-08:00

1. How old are you?
33

2. How many kids do you have if any?
I have two, my son, Dyllan, is almost 11 and my daughter, Ashley, is almost 5

3. Are you married, single, divorced, widow?
Married for 11 years and together for 14. wow it feels a lot longer ROFLMAO.

4. What is your occupation?
Well it used to be SAHM, but currently it is home care provider for an 87 year old lady

5. What are your passions?
Photography, my family, and scrapbooking

6. Are you a dreamer or a dream seeker?
mostly a dreamer, i love dreaming and could careless if any of my dreams come true. just the act of dreaming is sooooo fun and there is no limit to what i can dream about LOL

7. Are you happy with the way you life has turned out?
Yes, I am very happy. right now i wish my dh worked close to home and i wish i could go back to being a SAHM, but other then that i am very happy with my life.

8. Are you a scrapper and if so how many hours a week do you scrap?
I am a scrapper, but lately do not scrap all that much. Okay take that back LOL this week i have put in about 15 hours scrappin but last week i probably only scrapped 2 hours LOL so it varies ALOT with how i am feeling and such

9. What do you want to do before you die?
I want to travel. there are so many places that i would love to see.

10. What is your favorite food? just one?
oy this is a tuff one lol, i say it is probably.....shoot i can't pick LOL i don't think i have a favorite food LOL so i will pick a favorite meal, i love turkey dinners with mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing and all the nummy stuff that goes along with thanksgiving dinner LOL.

11. What is the food you hate the most? Bannana's, superyuk LOL. and watermelon i don't like either one of those foods.

12. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
going to highschool while being homeless in a car for six months. everyday was embarrassing and am glad i got old enough to leave that hell hole.

13.What is the happiest day of your life this far?
Finding the love of my life and the birth of both my kids

14. Are you a neat freak?
yes i am LOL and you can tell when i am not up to par because my house will be a mess LOL which drives me batty. my hubby is always making fun of me saying "a place for everything, and everything in its place." lol

I tag everyone on my links list except mel LOL cuz she tagged me and who ever else wants to do it, just copy and paste to your blog then add your answers.

2006-11-06T21:44:00.000-08:00

okay this is Imogenes album that i made for her for christmas. I didn't exactly post these in order LOL but ohh well. I am very happy with the whole thing and I really think that she will love it. I'm giving it to her tomorrow and will let you all know what she says and what her reaction is. i must say though that i am glad that i am done LOL. I have one more album to do for her that she paid me for. It is of her grandsons wedding. Originally she was going to pay me for three albums but two of the ppl said no LOL. hopefully they don't change their minds LOL because i really dont' want to do anymore of these. it takes too much time away from scrapping my own pics and i am way behind on those and i mean WAY BEHIND. thanks for looking :D

2006-11-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

2006-11-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

2006-11-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

2006-11-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

2006-11-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

2006-11-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

2006-11-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

okay an update. I had my appt on wednesday and he is going to do some more blood work which are cbc, TSH and prolactin. I go back on december 1st at 330 to discuss the results and go from there. i'm guessing that he is thinking hypothyroidism because of the TSH and prolactin tests. I hope this gets figured out soon. thanks for listening and caring :D

2006-11-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

okay i'm done posting pics of halloween now LOL. we had a blast!!!!!!! ohh and i took all of these pics in manual mode. i think i did an okay job on it LOL.

2006-11-02T16:53:00.000-08:00

some cool pumpkins along the way and a couple shots of them trick or treatin.

2006-11-02T16:48:00.000-08:00

and of course this is my funky costume LOL. the spidey is ethan checkin out his goodies and my little vampire ashley waiting for the door to open lol

2006-11-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

my SCARY SCARY GRIM REAPER LOL. actually he does kinda freak me out that way LOL. the next pic is Neils in his costume LOL it cracked me up and gigi loved being in the bag LOL. Next is my sis in her costume.

2006-11-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

first pic is my BIL and my nephew Kaiden. second pic is dyllan with the wig on LOL and the third pic is my sister LOL and of course the fourth pic is me.

2006-11-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

Grandma Sue dressed up as an old granny who can't put her lipstick on right LMAO. The second pic is of dyllan, ashley, ethan and dyllans two friends James and bodie. the third pic is just of james, bodie and dyllan and the fourth pic is of James(he has the freddy glove) and bodie LOL. I will post more pics later

2006-10-29T19:52:00.000-08:00

here are some pics i took tonight playing with my camera. I think that they turned out pretty good. some better then others. I need to look and see what settings i used though LOL I think the second one came out the best. I really wish i had a bigger lens LOL

2006-10-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

Okay I have a dr's appt next wednesday at 330. I can't wait because i really want to get a handle on this. so i will let you all know what he says. Of course i won't know anything that day LOL cuz i am sure that i will have to get my blood drawn again and then go in again to find out what he thinks and such. so it will probably be a couple more weeks

2006-10-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

this is poor ashley zonked out and not feeling well. of course i didn't know that she wasn't feeling well. she never said that she didn't feel good until we got home. I just thought that she was tired and cranky since dyllan had a friend stay the night last night and of course they stayed up late and slept crappy LOL. poor girl

2006-10-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

here are some pics of today's game. the first one and second one is not dyllan LOL. but they are cool pics so i had to share. we kicked some a** today LOL 25-0. yeah you read that right LOL. the bottom two pics are of dyllan. he made one interception, two blocked passes and one tackle. I'm so proud of my boy LOL. The third pic down is one of the times that he blocked a pass.

2006-10-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

okay first an update. I am going to seek a second opinion about my thyroid and such, or ask my doc to check again and also check for other things. I will keep ya'll updated.

ok so i had to drive to rite aid to get a thermometer because ours broke. Ashley came down with a fever after we got home from football today. She had been cranky all day and she actually fell asleep at the game LOL i need to post pics of that as well and will do it in my next post. anyway i actually had my camera in the van LOL and the sky looked really really cool. So i grabbed my camera and snapped these pics. I think that i am getting better LOL. I was in full manual mode. Shutter was set at 1/500 and i think the aperature was set at 5.6 and iso at 400. anyway i love this first pic LOL.

testosterone

2006-10-20T14:36:00.000-07:00

well my doc doesn't seem to think that it is my thyroid. He is prescribing methyltestosterone three times a week. I just place it under my tongue. My problem is that when i look up thyroid problems I have most of the symptoms and when i look up testosterone the only symptom i have with that is fatigue. So i just don't know. I am going to take the testosterone and see how it does but i really don't think that is the problem. My doc is a gynecologist so maybe he only thinks in those terms. I do know that in order to get an accurate reading of your thyroid you need to have it checked more then once. I'm sure that I do need the testosterone since i did have a hysterctomy and do not have any of my female parts LOL. I just have a sneaky suspicion that it is my thyroid that is causing this. Well I hope that the testosterone works and if it does then i don't need to worry about it anymore LOL. What really bothers me is the fatigue and the forgetfullness. those two things are really frustrating. Uggh i just want to feel better.

I'm tired of being tired

2006-10-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am soooo tired alllllllllllll of the time, and it is really really really getting on my nerves. I can get 8, 6 and even 10 hours of sleep and still be exhausted when i wake up. my coffee doesn't work anymore, I swear its decafinated. My hair is thinning and has been for quite sometime but that isn't something that a person likes to talk about LOL. Anyway I went and had blood work done, one of them being thyroid. Well the medical assistant called me last night and said something about my t3 something or other being slightly elevated. I forget things and foget to do things and I can't stay focused which is really irritating because i normally have such a great memory and can focus on anything. Also I have been having muscle cramps like crazy. Anyway I am hoping to find some answers because i am sick of this, sick of feeling this way. I AM JUST SICK TO DEATH OF IT!!!!!!!

2006-10-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

I got some really close ups of my cutie pie Kaiden LOL. he was fussin and I couldn't resist getting those eyes LOL and of course a cute one of him nursing. Don't worry you can't see any boobie in the pic LOL

2006-10-08T09:02:00.000-07:00

okay so ashley and ethan are so cute together LOL. They kept holding each others hand when ever they would walk. it was so adorable. too bad i'm an goofus and didn't get a pic of it LOL

2006-10-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

okay so yesterdays football game was okay LOL we lost again but dyllan got his name called twice because he tackled the running back. It's soo cool when you hear your kid's name called out on the speakers LOL. The sucky thing is that I missed the really cool tackle because the kids were thirsty so I had to get them some water and the line was extremely long. So when I got back I got some pics of him in on another tackly LOL. These are the series of shots and the big pile up LOL. I am sad to say that next year, if we have the same coaches, we will not be doing football. Dyllan hasn't even cared for football this year because there is no coaching. Drives us all nuts and it is really hard to explain. An example is if the kids are in their stances but aren't in it correctly the coaches don't say anything or teach them how to be in the stance correctly. or if when they are coming out of the stance and getting ready to block and such they don't teach them not to stand up. you never want to just stand up, you are supposed to stay low and charge foward so that you knock them on their butts. You can get really hurt if you just stand up. Anyway that is what I mean when I say there is no coaching and we didn't pay 160 bucks to not have our kid coached kwim? The head coach has been coaching for a very long time but he has never in his life actually played football LOL. anyway I am going to call the owner of the rhino's and ask if the head coach will be coaching next year and tell him that if he is then Dyllan won't be playing. We will do soccer next year if that is the case. We have talked to dyllan and he agrees. Because if he did want to do football next year even with the same coach then we would but he said that he didn't want to.

2006-10-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

These are the pics I took this afternoon for Jane's photo assignments. I took them in full manual mode playing with the aperature and DOF. I don't think that they are too bad but I definately need the practice LOL.

2006-10-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

omg i am jumping out of my skin LOL. i am so excited that i am bawling my eyeballs out. okay so my dear sweet wubby called me this evening and his stupid cell phone was breakin up like crazy. so i ask how his day was and then he tells me that his boss "Bob" wanted to talk to him about his work. okay so i started to freak out in my mind because of the way that he said it sounded really bad. I mean I got teary eyed and thought the worst. I was freakin out and since I couldn't hear him I couldn't hear the second sentence. I kept saying "I can't hear you" and then I heard a bunch of mumbo jumbo because of his cell phone. so again i said " I can't hear you, you are all chopped" LOL so then he said " you are pissing me off" LOL so then i told him that it wasn't my fault LOL that his reception was stupid. so then he kept repeating until i could finally hear "I got a 2$ an hour raise" OMG I AM FREAKIN OUT LOL. NOW WE CAN PAY BILLS AND BUY GAS AND FOOD LOL. okay so i really need to figure out the budget. i am not totally sure if that is possible since i am losing my weekend part of my job. but i really think that it is possible since we are gaining two bucks an hour and the wonderful ppl in my ctmh 10 group. ohh please tell me this wasn't a dream LOL. for him to get this raise so soon means that he is doing an awesome job and i can't stop crying. i feel like a big ole goofball. Is this really going to work out? ohh I really hope so.....................

2006-10-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

okay so this is what i did when i was at work today LOL. after i got done doing the things that needed to be done of course LOL. anyway i had fun trying to get good pics of these little worker bees. i thought that most of them were pretty cool. anyway enjoy :D

2006-10-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

2006-10-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

2006-10-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

2006-10-01T15:18:00.000-07:00